friendship

The five ways politicians are, literally, exactly like toddlers.

Earlier this week, I was having a meeting with my boss. It was via Google hangouts, one of those new-age technological advances that allow people to sometimes work from home. My boss was in the middle of chatting, when her baby daughter cried for her attention. As a dutiful mother, my boss attended to her. That’s when her son, a very inquisitive toddler, decided the computer looked quite interesting. He sat in mums chair, and looked at me through the screen.

‘Oh, hi!’, I said, always unsure of how to interact with a child I’ve never met before. ‘Umm, so, what are you doing today? Do you have a pet?’

I was nervous, and asking far too many questions. But it didn’t really matter what questions I was asking, because the toddler responded, ‘My dad’s in New Zealand.’

Interesting.

I liked this toddler. I liked his attitude. I liked that he gave me the answer he wanted to give, regardless of the questions I asked.

That’s when I realised.

Toddlers are EXACTLY like politicians. And if we needed any more evidence of this, the second presidential debate gave us a very cranky, red haired toddler politician.

A very true meme. Image via Huffington Post.

There are approximately five billion ways toddlers are like politicians, but here are five.

#1: They give you the answer they feel like giving.

To elaborate on my initial point, this characteristic is ubiquitous among toddlers. I once said hello to a small child who was a family friend. 'What's your name?,' I asked enthusiastically. 'I'm 4,' he responded.

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Mmm yes.

Clever tactic. Deflect the question.

"That's...that's not what I asked." Image via Giphy.

It's eerily similar to watching a politician being interviewed by Leigh Sales on The 7.30 Report. You know, when she asks about the NDIS, and gets the response 'but Leigh, we stopped the boats!'

Toddlers would make excellent politicians.

#2: They don't get anything done.

Toddlers are notorious for not only being wildly unproductive, but also impeding on the productivity of those around them.

Just look at their toys. They create such a pointless mess than there's hardly any purpose cleaning it up. When you ask them to clean up their toys, or eat their dinner, or NOT wiggle around while you're changing their nappy, they're adamant on limiting any sense of productivity.

You just...don't...achieve anything. Image via Giphy.
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Politicians are exactly the same. Oh, you mean we could literally have marriage equality legalised tomorrow with no plebiscite? No, no, it's fine, we'll spend millions planning one. Oh, we don't have enough support in Parliament? We'll push for it anyway. It's not like there's anything better to do!

#3: They have a frustrating sense of entitlement.

Toddlers have a strong sense of entitlement. They're always expecting your attention, your food, your remote and your phone. Like, dude. You can't just take the things I've worked hard to earn and act as though they're your own.

Funnily enough, that's exactly what politicians do. With our money. Actually wait, that's not funny at all.

#4: They are overwhelmingly charismatic.

The reason toddlers have a strong sense of entitlement is because they DO get whatever they want, because they're so damn cute. Tell me you could resist giving Sonny whatever he wanted with a face like this:

#bottletime Part 1

A video posted by Hamish Blake (@hamishblakeshotz) on

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WOULD SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A BOTTLE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

We are far more likely to give people what they want when we find them charismatic. That's why we have bratty children and incompetent, yet compelling, politicians.

#5: They will say or do anything to get what they want.

It's a well-known fact that toddlers are evil and manipulative. They use cunning tactics and exploit your weaknesses. Just when you're about to lose it, they look at you with their ridiculous face, all chubby cheeks and unexplained rashes, and you know you can't say no. When you're trying to be tough, they'll pull on your leg and want a cuddle. When you've had the day from hell, and your partner walks in, they'll look at you as though they've had the time of their lives.

We shouldn't be fooled. But they are baby geniuses - tricking us into being WEAK.

Oh. OH. You both really needed to sit there, did you? Image via Giphy.

It goes without saying that politicians do the same thing. They literally make promises they have no intention of keeping, they make decisions or plans based on being elected or re-elected, and just when you've lost faith, they'll take a tiny step in the right direction that makes you change your mind.

Oh yes, toddlers are like politicians. Very much so.

Excuse me while I call my boss and tell her that her son would make a great PM.

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