When we think of spicing up our sex lives, our minds usually go to the "extra" stuff: new positions, better toys or maybe even more adventurous locations if you're so inclined.

But according to GP and sex therapist Dr Susi Fox, the best tip for improving your sex life doesn't involve adding anything "extra" at all.

Instead, it starts with a word we often find more clinical than "sexy".

Consent.

Bear with me here because I know it doesn't exactly scream "spicy". But consent is about more than just asking, "Is this okay?"

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Working as a sex therapist, Susi's job is to help her clients better connect with their own pleasure. It's something, she says, so many people struggle with.

"Consent is actually the cornerstone of accessing one's own pleasure, as well as assisting others to access their own," she said.

But what does this actually mean beyond just checking in with your partner?

Susi uses a framework called the 'Wheel of Consent' to help people get exactly what they want when it comes to intimacy.

"I think that's what a lot of people struggle with — to be able to first work out what we want, what we really, really want," she told Mamamia. "Not just going along with things, but actually tapping into our deepest desires for physical connection and being able to name that."

For many of us, particularly women who have been socialised to be people-pleasers, the hardest part of sex isn't the physical act; it's the mental noise.

Susi suggested the first step to better sex isn't talking to your partner, but talking to yourself.

"There's, first of all, an internal consent," she said.

"It involves being slow and purposeful in terms of checking in and listening internally to ourselves... listening to what we really, really want, which might be: 'I really love my head scratched.'"

According to Susi, we often get "waylaid" before we even open our mouths. We have a thought, we doubt if it's "valid" to want it, and then we stay silent. By the time we get to the bedroom, we're just going along with someone else's plan rather than our own.

If jumping straight into deep sexual desires feels intimidating, Susi suggested building the "muscle" of desire in low-stakes environments. She recommended a simple exercise called the 'I want' game.

"Often this practice starts small," she said.

"You might just practice saying aloud 'I want' to each other without the other person commenting. 'I want a cup of coffee.' 'I want to sit in the sunshine.'

"I've had the same challenge myself — being able to say, 'I'd actually love a cup of tea rather than coffee.' We've been socialised to suppress our wants and needs."

The other person just listens. No judgment, no commentary. It sounds simple, but for many, voicing a need out loud for the first time is life-changing.

By practising these small moments of honesty, you create a foundation where, when you finally get to the bedroom, you feel safe enough to ask for the exact type of touch you're craving.

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One of the most common friction points Susi sees in her practice is "role confusion", where one person thinks they are giving touch for their partner's pleasure, while the other is just "enduring" it as a favour. The pleasure gets lost in the middle.

To fix this, she points to the 'three-minute game'. You spend three minutes asking for exactly the touch you want, naming the pressure, the location, the rhythm.

"It allows people to practice naming the exact touch they would love. It is a new skill for most people," she said.

When we get specific, asking for a hand to be held "gently" or an arm to be stroked "firmly", we remove the guesswork.

"When we say exactly what we'd like, it becomes very clear who is doing what for whom, where the gift is being exchanged, and who the touch is for," Susi said.

"You can trust that they're doing that as a gift. It's a new skill for most people to really speak up and name the exact touch they'd love."

Susi insisted that "slowing down is the key". Speed is often the enemy of pleasure because it doesn't give you time to listen to your body.

Another part of the process is trusting that your partner can handle a "no." If they have the freedom to say no to you, you have the freedom to be honest with them.

So, the most erotic thing you can do tonight? Slow down, check in with yourself, and tell the truth.

"It's life-changing stuff to be able to really feel into one's body and to really name exactly what we want," Susi said.

Susi Fox is a GP specialising in relationship and family therapy, with a focus on Internal Family Systems. Susi is also the author of bestselling psychological thriller Mine, which was shortlisted for the Davitt Awards in 2019. Her new novel, The Other Child is out now at bookstores, and as an eBook and audiobook. She lives in the Macedon Ranges with her family.

Feature image: Instagram/drsusifox