Ahh Tinder… It’s both a blessing and a curse on the dating world.
On the one hand, what better way to have a quick hook-up/chat with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet in #reallyfe.
But then again, there’s the bombardment of unwanted peen pics and tales of stage 5 clingers and batshit crazies that’ll make you wanna douse your phone in holy water and swear off dating for life.
Below we’ve pulled together some of the more disturbing Tinder tales that are simultaneously hilarious, cringe-worthy and creepy AF.
Prepare yourselves for these shockers…
“Showed up to the date and the girl was pregnant, VERY pregnant. Like holy crap how did you get here on your own, should I be worried about your water breaking any minute pregnant… No mention of her being pregnant anywhere on her profile, not even a hint about it.”
“Tinder date with a ‘famous’ chef where I was taken to a dive bar, where he promptly starting talking about how famous he was. We drank and watched sports, he proceeded to tell me ‘You’re cute’ and this eventually went to ‘I am going to make you bleed.’ He then invited one of his friends to come along. I went outside and he came up to kiss me. I was drunk, so I kissed back. Eventually, he proceeded to tell me how he was ‘being charged with battering his ex-girlfriend, but he totally didn’t do it.’
Eventually when it came time to pay the bill, ‘he lost his wallet.’ Of course, I get stuck with it. ‘I’ll pay you back.’. (Needless to say, I never got a payment).
Then he leaned up against me. I thought he was trying to kiss me again, but I looked down, and he was peeing on me.
In the street. Peeing. On. Me.
I swiftly, being too inebriated to drive, went and got myself a hotel room and a hot shower.
“Went on a date with a guy. He seemed nice enough. Met up a few days later at my place to have a TV marathon. We had the sexy time. (It had been quite a few months since I had last had the sexy time). He started humping my foot while going down on me. I had to tell him to stop. He keeps humping my foot and pretended he wasn’t… I ended up flipping him over and jumping on top until I was done. I made him jack himself off to finish. He kept trying to meet up again even after I said I wasn’t interested. He finally got it when he messaged asking what he did wrong and my reply was ‘YOU HUMPED MY FEET!!!’”
LISTEN: Apparently, these are the tried and tested pick up lines to win over a potential lover. Post continues after audio.
The Old Switcheroo.
“Not exactly my worst, but potentially most confounding. A completely different girl showed up to my date. I’m not talking clever use of camera angles. This was a completely different person.
I was honestly just amazed that someone had actually done this, and that I was witnessing it. It was one of those things that I’ve heard stories about from friends, but never actually experienced.
It was super weird. She mentioned facts about me as if she was the one I was messaging, so who knows. I left after a drink. Met up with some friends.”
“I went on a date with a guy from Tinder and as we were eating, he told me about his visit to the doctor that day… I listened sympathetically as he told me how he ‘regularly produced massive stools’ due to him being a vegetarian, making tears in his ‘tiny anus,’ which he had to put cream on. Needless to say, I didn’t date him again!”
“Girl told me she was 21 before the date and then about 5 mins in I realise she’s actually 16… that date didn’t last long.”
What A Charmer.
“I’m slightly on the large side, and I don’t try to hide it. So I was talking to a nice guy on Tinder and we hit it off straight away. We met up at a bar, he saw me and the first words he said to me were, ‘Oh, I didn’t know you were fat.’ So I turned around and walked out.”
The ‘Crazy Roommate’.
“I started talking to this really sweet guy for about two weeks and things were going well. Then I started getting calls from this girl, who he claimed was his crazy roommate that was in love with him and kept trying to get him fired from jobs. Turns out, she wasn’t the one lying, she was actually his live-in girlfriend, and they had moved here together from a different state. Apparently, he wasn’t actually a citizen and was trying to obtain papers. Thanks, Tinder.”
The Grass Is Greener.
“On our fourth date, we went back to his place to watch football. We were on the couch and cuddling; he had his arm around me. He must have been disappointed that I was actually watching the football, because I looked over my shoulder and he was on Tinder literally behind my back looking for his next date. Then asked me when I wanted to see him again.”
“The first time we had sex and halfway through thrusting he said ‘oh yeah baby, hear that juice’. That was the end right there.”
“Buddy of mine hit it off with this girl and after a few days, she invited him over to a house party. ‘Sure,’ he says, what could go wrong? He shows up and is introduced to a few of her friends, all guys. As the night carries on, more and more guys show up and very few girls are actually at the party. After they start talking about how they all know this girl they find out that she invited them all from Tinder. Every guy was there not to hook up, but to populate this chick’s birthday party.”
“A little backstory: A few years ago I was dating this girl and her father REALLY hated me. Which was a bit odd as most parents love me (or at least lie about it really well). He was just a huge prick and I always called him on his shit. Anyways, her parents got divorced, we broke up a few months later etc etc.
Fast forward to around a year later. Me and girl from Tinder were dating for a few months and things were starting to get serious. We’re at the point where she wants me to meet her family. Mother, stepfather, little sister. Why not? I have no problems meeting them, let’s do it I said. She told me how excited her stepdad was to meet me as it turns out we both happen to be Kansas City Chiefs fans.
Well, fuck me if it wasn’t the same asshole father of my ex-girlfriend…”
‘Accidental’ Dick Pic.
“That really awkward moment when a guy from Tinder seemed really cool. So you give him your number. Then when exchanging selfies. You don’t get a selfie of his face. But of his dick. And he claims it was an accident. I recommended keeping his dick pictures in a separate folder from his general camera roll.”
“I messaged a cute blonde girl one day, got a response, and after a while of back and forth making each other laugh and getting along, I mention I’m in a wheelchair, and suddenly she was losing her fucking mind talking about our future and how she wants to explore places like Australia and I wouldn’t be able to do that with her because of my wheelchair. I let her go on for a while to see if she’d ever bring it around to a normal person thought process but it never happened. She lost her fucking mind.”
“My friend, bless her heart, she’s got so many Tinder stories. Once a guy wanted to bring his mum on the first date. Another bragged about stealing money from his kid sister’s piggy bank, and yet my friend still had to pay for his dinner. Another was a guy on house arrest (there’s clue #1 right there) who, after a few times hanging out, turned into a total monster and would not stop harassing her and basically verbally abusing her. She ended up blocking him. I love her, but I worry about her sometimes.”
“I went on a date with a guy and the entire time he was talking about how men are superior and how there have been scientific studies to show that “women have an emotional reaction to the colour red when they see it”. I wonder why he was single..”
“Matched with an insanely hot guy. Told me he was a virgin but figured I’d let it slide. Go to his place and he was super handsy and sucked at kissing. I decided I was over it and told him I had to leave. He hugged me at the door and said, ‘I love you.. I mean I love your body!’ … I got out of there so fast that I left my favourite cardigan. I have no desire to get it back.”
“He told me he was in love with another woman – his mother – and I would have to ‘overcome’ her to prove myself to him.”
“En route to the Worst Date Ever, this guy texted me from the burrito place we were meeting, to tell me he’d already ordered me the salad. I repeat: SALAD. At a burrito place. Also, was this the past? Was I now incapable of placing my own food order? Anyway… After arriving – with my salad ready, beside his plate of tacos – he spent the next half an hour telling me about his model ex-girlfriend and how passionate their ‘breakup sex’ had been…last weekend. The final straw was – even after telling him I wasn’t a big fan of smoking – he literally asked a stranger for cigarettes and then chain-smoked them beside me.”
It’s Not All Bad…
“I knew the girl before the date, because she’d worked at my job before being fired. I’d always thought she was cute, and she liked Batman, so I decided I’d try her out. We match and decide to meet at a local hot dog stand. We’re eating, and everything is going great, and then I feel something get stuck in my throat. Turns out a piece of hot dog was completely blocking my oesophagus (luckily, past my lungs, so I could still breath). I excuse myself to a nearby bathroom and attempt to hack it up for about 5 minutes, and then I started coughing blood. Long story short, I end up in the hospital, had to get an endoscopy, and ended up texting her a bunch of graphically explicit things about her ass while on anaesthetics… And that’s how I met my future wife.”