reality tv

At some point, every hetero woman has to choose between a cavoodle and a three-legged mutt.

Okay. No.

Australia’s Bachelorette, Angie Kent, is basically Aristotle and precisely no one has made enough of a fuss.

Where is Angie's statue pls.
Where is Angie's statue pls.

You see, last night, while Angie was agonising over her choice between two men who could not have been more different, Timm Hanly and Carlin Sterritt, she flippantly remarked that it was as though she was deciding between a cavoodle and a three-legged mutt.

Did Angie just liken a human man to a dog with no known pedigree? Yes. 

Did we immediately know which man was inevitably the cavoodle?

carlin sterritt
You, Sir, are a designer dog. Image via Instagram.
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Yes. 

Was it also the perfect analogy? Absolutely.

Our beloved Timm is a three-legged mutt because he always looks a little bit itchy. He is loved unconditionally but is also complicated, like when he couldn't stop yelling out the window at cows who were just minding their own business early in the morning.

timm hanly
Classic mutt doing a nervous jig.

Carlin is a cavoodle because he would never urinate on an expensive rug. If Carlin were in a pet shop (hashtag adopt don't shop etc. etc.) then customers would absolutely pay $3000 for him. Timm, on the other hand, would be the dog yelping at nothing in particular and then getting distracted by his own butt hole. And we mean that affectionately. 

We've watched this video of Angie breaking up with Timm like 14 times. Post continues below. 

Video by Channel 10
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To be clear - one is no better than the other. Three-legged mutts and cavoodles are loved equally, but for different reasons. Which brings us back to Angie's profound wisdom.

Every heterosexual woman has to, at one point or another, make a choice between a cavoodle and a mutt. And just about every man can be placed into one of those categories. For example:

Bradley Cooper is a cavoodle:

golden globes 2019 red carpet fashion
A beautiful cavoodle with his ex-wife (awks). Image via Getty.

BUT JACKSON MAINE IS A THREE-LEGGED MUTT.

a star is born bradley cooper jackson maine
You need a good wash and a flea treatment.
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If you're currently in a relationship, here's how to tell which type you're dating. Ahem:

Cavoodles

  • Don't start humping your leg for no reason
  • Wear cologne
  • Enjoy grooming
  • Are generally well behaved and wouldn't think of harassing cows out a car window
  • May or may not iron their gym clothes
  • Make their bed before they leave for work in the morning
  • Would appreciate a shaving kit for Christmas
  • Enjoy calendars and knowing what time it is
  • Have a standing appointment with their hairdresser
  • Have impeccable posture
  • Read The Barefoot Investor
  • Fill their car up with petrol before the warning light comes on
  • Are obscenely secure in themselves
  • Floss
  • Regularly trim their (impeccable) finger nails
  • Pluck their eyebrows
  • Sometimes put on an accent while pronouncing Italian words

Mutts

  • Love to play (translation: sometimes hump your leg for no reason)
  • Sometimes drag their bottoms across the carpet because it's... itchy maybe?? Honestly don't know
  • Demand love and attention
  • Sweat more than expected
  • Aren't sure about men who shave their legs
  • Have never made a bed. Probably don't even have a sheet
  • Believe hair naturally washes itself
  • Read Eckhart Tolle
  • Owns a bicycle
  • Are slightly insecure
  • They say they floss but do not floss
  • Sometimes leave a little speckle of wee on the toilet seat
  • Have food on their face even if they haven't eaten for a number of hours
  • Bite their fingernails
  • Sit like this always
Mate, are you right.
Mate, are you right.

Here are some examples of some celebrity cavoodles:

the bachelorette recap
Darling Osher.
Beautiful Hugh Jackman. Image via Getty.
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david-beckham-hair
David Beckham. Image via Getty.
andy lee
Andy Lee. Image via Getty.
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And some famous mutts...

hamish blake ben and liam
Hamish. Goddamn. Blake Image via Channel Nine.
russell brand
Russell Brand. Image via Getty.
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Keanu Reeves. Image via Getty.
Joaquin Phoenix. Image via Getty.
Joaquin Phoenix. Image via Getty.

I rest my case.

Is there anyone we've missed? Let us know in the comments below.

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