I am the world’s most jealous person. I am not by any stretch of the imagination, breezy. In fact, I can safely say this word will never be used to describe me. Even the thought of my boyfriend merely looking at a girl, makes me want to run away and be single for the rest of my life.

So, how on earth did I get to the point where I watched my boyfriend have sex with my best friend? Why on earth did I agree to that?

I blame one thing.

Sex on the Beach cocktails. They are fruity, sweet and oh so easy to drink. The night my boyfriend had sex with my best friend, was the night the cocktails just kept coming.

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And the truth was, we had a wonderful night. As a three, we made a good group. We all enjoyed the same music — a mix of rock and pop music. We liked similar drinks — vodka, lime and lemonade or cocktails were the choices of the night. And we loved to dance.

As we became drunker, we danced in a three in the middle of the dance floor feeling light-hearted and wild. We were out on the town! We were free and grown up! (Being on a night out was still a novel experience. Drinking had only been legal for us for a couple of years).

That night, I let cocktails and my ego get in the way of my true feelings. I wanted to be a cool and breezy girlfriend. I wanted to go down in history as the world’s coolest girl.

So, I said yes to a threesome. It didn’t exactly go to plan, as you’ll read here. But, in the moment of saying yes, it was pretty fun.

Me, my best friend and my boyfriend had been flirting all night.

Initially, my best friend had been scared about being left out, so we made a special effort to include her in everything. My boyfriend even included her in a kiss…

In fact, that’s where it all began. My memory is hazy. But, I can remember a blur of lights and loud music. We shared a drunken three-way kiss.

Lips mashed together. Hot cheeks rubbed against mine.

In the middle of the passion, I pulled away to watch my boyfriend and friend kiss. Would they carry on without me?

The answer was yes.

I walked away in bitter jealousy. I had never seen my boyfriend kiss someone else. I wondered if he fancied her. Did he think she was a good kisser?

The way they locked lips so passionately, made me think yes.

I sought refuge in the toilets. I re-applied my lipstick and took a break from the crazy club lights and beating music. Then, when I was ready, I walked confidently over to the bar and ordered another Sex on the Beach cocktail.

I could do this. My ego was pushing me towards the threesome my boyfriend so clearly wanted.

And so, we ended up back at his parent’s house.

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Everyone was asleep (phew). And the threesome began. As my boyfriend entered my best friend, every jealous bone in my body cried out. But I wasn’t listening.

Something else was happening. I felt a pulsation down there. I had an urge to rub my clit. I was turned on. Against my better judgment, I was getting wet.

Surprisingly, there was something irresistible about watching my boyfriend thrust back and forth inside my best friend. It felt like my very own porn film.

I stood in silence and simply watched.

It was better this way. I didn’t want to get involved. I preferred to watch from afar. It felt weirdly relaxing and extremely horny.

But, as my best friend’s sighing increased to a high pitched moan, I left the room. That was enough for one night. My new liberated mind had an expiry date.

Looking back, although my head was telling me I should be jealous, I can honestly say I wasn’t. My pure and instinctive reaction was sexual arousal.

The simplicity of my reaction will stay with me forever. It is a reminder to us all of our baseline human instincts. As an over-thinker, I realise life can be beautifully simple sometimes.

Instead of manufacturing my response to things, or over-thinking my reactions, I can just be in the present moment and accept my emotions as they come.

Life is often more simple, and less full of anxiety, then I think it will be. And when we give in to the present moment, and all it has to offer us, we can find peace in the simplicity of being truly present.

Whether this peace comes from a threesome, a little meditation or a simple stroll in the garden, is totally up to you.

This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission. 

For more from Matilda Swinney, you can check out her website at www.matildaswinney.com or follow her on Twitter @matildaswinney