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"I never wanted to see her again." My first threesome experience almost ruined my relationship.

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. The feature image used is a stock photo.

Last year, my boyfriend and I decided we would put a threesome on the table. In the years we’d been together, we’d had the 'would we ever have a threesome' conversation enough times to confirm it was something we were both interested in.

I watched enough lesbian porn for the both of us, and I couldn’t wait to share him with a beautiful woman. He was elated at the idea. But we never seriously pursued it — until we did.

It was as disastrous as one can imagine when insecurities, lack of communication, sex, the love of your life, and a gorgeous naked girl become entangled in the life you’ve shared with your boyfriend for the last five years.

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We didn’t do much planning. We didn’t outline our expectations. We didn’t talk about the what-ifs and maybes. We focused on the fantasy — the sexy woman who would have sex with the both of us, and how exciting it would be. 

We looked at our relationship: we were strong, absolutely in love, and could handle anything life threw our way.

Except this.

It didn’t destroy us — thankfully. But jumping into a threesome without properly communicating expectations isn’t a bonding exercise I would recommend to any couple, no matter how secure they may think they are.

It’s been over a year since that chapter in our relationship, and the desire of another woman in our bed has not gone away for either of us. We’re ready to open that door again, but this time, we’re doing things a bit differently.

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After learning from a horrible threesome experience, these are the three things I recommend.

1. Have a proper conversation in your relationship before bringing in the third person about what you both want from this experience.

What are you looking for from this? Is it just to bring some excitement into the relationship or is there a deeper meaning?

How much weight are you placing on the success of this threesome?

Go through every worst-case scenario because in bringing another person into your sex life, the worst-case scenario is actually very likely; even more so when drugs or alcohol are involved. Emotions can run high, jealousy can creep in, someone can feel left out. Sometimes, the third person you choose may be a poor fit for the two of you.

Expect the unexpected — and talk about how to handle it. Because if there are any loose ends or unaddressed issues, trust that they will come out in the aftermath of a bad threesome. Especially if these issues involve insecurity or infidelity.

2. Express clear expectations and communicate openly with your third person.

It may be common sense to express clear expectations with your partner, but what about the third person? They may exude level headedness, they may have played with couples in the bedroom 100 times before, but when feelings get involved, emotions can wreak havoc on the entire plan. And your third person has every right to feel — they’re only human.

We never established what kind of relationship we wanted with her. When feelings of insecurity came over me, I realised I never wanted to see her again. But it was too late, because we had already befriended her. We had developed a relationship with this person and suddenly deciding I never wanted to see her again was extremely unfair to her.

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Your third (or fourth or fifth) person has every right to speak up, to know what it is expected of them, to know of any bad experiences beforehand. It is only fair. The two of you may have each other for support; comforting eye contact or a squeeze on the hand to ensure you’re both okay. But the way your third person is treated is crucial to the success of a threesome.

I know this may feel like the most common sense, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the moment, during sex or just getting to know each other, that talking about what could go wrong, or what you don’t want, feels like the unsexiest thing you could ever do.

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But don’t skip this step.

3. Accept that, maybe, a threesome isn’t for you.

There is nothing wrong with accepting this statement. Threesomes, group sex, partner swapping, etc. is not for every couple out there. 

This says nothing bad about you or your relationship. But before my threesome, I refused to consider that threesomes weren’t for us. 

We were in love, just like the couples we knew that had many successful threesome experiences. We were just as strong as they were, weren’t we?

When our threesome went south, I completely beat myself up over the possibility that a threesome just might not be right for me. Maybe it is for my boyfriend, but not for me.

That scared me. That brought on unfamiliar feelings of insecurity.

What if I’m never comfortable enough to have a threesome? Does this mean I’m insecure in my relationship? Does this mean I’m insecure about myself?

But truthfully, having a successful threesome is not the ultimate indicator of a healthy relationship — and if that’s the reason you want to try one, to try to prove something to yourself or your partner, you’re going into this with the wrong mindset and things could end ugly.

Even though we had a terrible first threesome experience, the fantasy of having another one is very much still alive.

We mention it from time to time and everything already feels much differently. Instead of pushing aside feelings and 'go with the flow', I know now going with the flow and fighting any feelings of confusion and jealousy will backfire. Obviously.

We agree on keeping each other, and our third person, aware of our expectations and feelings. We agree that we messed up the first time, and we want to do it right. We agree that we are in a loving, healthy relationship, regardless if we ever do this threesome or not.

I think that’s the key to making any new sexual adventure work in a couple. If you can’t be completely open with your partner about your hesitations, your hangups, your secret pleasures, well, that takes away from the power of the vulnerability of sexual exploration. Because threesomes are supposed to be sexy — not calculated plans with three page itineraries.

But you can’t do it right without establishing boundaries and communicating with love.

Feature Image: Getty.

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