Some of us are not human people but owls.
We crush our prey with our talons and then eat them whole, before later vomiting up their carcasses.
Wait, no. That’s not… why.
We are owls because we are nocturnal. We thrive at nighttime, and could most definitely sleep upright during the day if we were allowed.
But we’re not allowed because early birds who are obsessed with their goddamn worms made the rules, and now we can’t stay up until 3am and contemplate the universe like we were very much programmed to do.
If you’re a night owl, here are five things you absolutely know to be true.
1. The smell of morning, and the image of dew makes you want to vomit and then die.
Mornings are gross, mostly because they are stupid. They are rude and disruptive and cruel but also very passive aggressive, because they don’t acknowledge any of their failings.
They are trying to be fresh and welcoming, which is dishonest, and it’s clear not even the sun wants to be up yet.
The image of fog hovering above a moist road is traumatising because it represents a time of day where all people should be asleep but instead they’re walking around, pretending to do things.
You cannot turn into a morning person, and here’s why. Post continues below.
2. ‘Late night snacks’ are an important part of your diet, but you’re not fussed about breakfast, mostly because you’re too focused on staying conscious.
Given your mind peaks well after 8pm, you need to factor in snack food, lest you go hungry.
Breakfast isn’t a real meal, because you’re still dealing with the shock of being awake. Your body has no craving to eat, because it knows it should still be asleep.
3. You are never more awake than at 11:30pm when you’re trying to go to sleep because you need to be up early the next day.
Your brain works in reverse which makes life and all things within it, profoundly difficult.
At your 9am meeting, you couldn’t put together one coherent sentence, and when someone asked your opinion you may or may have not made a fart noise. You definitely forgot to pay for your coffee, and walked into a pole, and everything was very dizzy, not that you remember much of it.
If only you were that tired when it was bedtime.
But, no. When you get into bed, after lamenting how tired you were all day, your brain says, “HELLO. WHAT DOING.”
Just as you’re dozing off, it whispers to you, “You know you’re going to die one day…” and, well, shit.