Some of us are not human people but owls.
We crush our prey with our talons and then eat them whole, before later vomiting up their carcasses.
Wait, no. That’s not… why.
We are owls because we are nocturnal. We thrive at nighttime, and could most definitely sleep upright during the day if we were allowed.
But we’re not allowed because early birds who are obsessed with their goddamn worms made the rules, and now we can’t stay up until 3am and contemplate the universe like we were very much programmed to do.
If you’re a night owl, here are five things you absolutely know to be true.
1. The smell of morning, and the image of dew makes you want to vomit and then die.
Mornings are gross, mostly because they are stupid. They are rude and disruptive and cruel but also very passive aggressive, because they don’t acknowledge any of their failings.
They are trying to be fresh and welcoming, which is dishonest, and it’s clear not even the sun wants to be up yet.
The image of fog hovering above a moist road is traumatising because it represents a time of day where all people should be asleep but instead they’re walking around, pretending to do things.
You cannot turn into a morning person, and here’s why. Post continues below.
2. ‘Late night snacks’ are an important part of your diet, but you’re not fussed about breakfast, mostly because you’re too focused on staying conscious.
Given your mind peaks well after 8pm, you need to factor in snack food, lest you go hungry.
Breakfast isn’t a real meal, because you’re still dealing with the shock of being awake. Your body has no craving to eat, because it knows it should still be asleep.
3. You are never more awake than at 11:30pm when you’re trying to go to sleep because you need to be up early the next day.
Your brain works in reverse which makes life and all things within it, profoundly difficult.
At your 9am meeting, you couldn’t put together one coherent sentence, and when someone asked your opinion you may or may have not made a fart noise. You definitely forgot to pay for your coffee, and walked into a pole, and everything was very dizzy, not that you remember much of it.
If only you were that tired when it was bedtime.
But, no. When you get into bed, after lamenting how tired you were all day, your brain says, “HELLO. WHAT DOING.”
Just as you’re dozing off, it whispers to you, “You know you’re going to die one day…” and, well, shit.
4. You are very familiar with the 8pm butterflies in your stomach because YOU HAVE THE WHOLE NIGHT AHEAD OF YOU. IT’S FULL OF POSSIBILITY.
There’s a feeling that comes over you at 8pm on a Friday or Saturday night, when you know you don’t have to be up early the next morning, that can only be described as anticipation.
There’s so much to do! And so much time! And perhaps I shall paint a portrait! Or write a novel! Or learn to tap dance!
You begin singing songs that don’t fully make sense, and running around in circles for no reason.
You have the zoomies – which, for anyone who doesn’t know – is a condition dogs get when they are hit within a sudden surge of energy and run from one end of the house to the other.
Night owls get the zoomies at the same time everyone else wants to go to bed.
5. You are still traumatised by your bedtime as a child.
One of my most traumatic memories as a child was being put to bed while the sun was still up by my grandmother.
“Must have had a pretty good life if that was your most traumatic memory,” I hear you scoff, but I repeat: It was still light outside.
What. The. Hell. Was I meant to do for the next four hours? Lay there and count my own fingers?
On top of that, you’ve never gotten up at 7am voluntarily in your life, you do not at all trust people who are happy in the mornings, and you have learned to stop texting people at 2am because they definitely think you’re unhinged.
It’s a hard life being an owl. Especially because we’ve got to put up with those chirpy early birds.
Last week, we took the Mamamia Out Loud podcast to Brisbane. To celebrate the very special occasion, Swarovski dressed us up with stunning earrings, necklaces and bracelets, meaning Mia Freedman, Holly Wainwright and I were looking particularly sparkly in front of our audience of 450.
Thank you to Swarovski for sponsoring our Mamamia Out Loud live show, that covers everything women are talking about, from pop culture to politics, body image to motherhood, feminism to fashion.
You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here.
This content was created with thanks to our brand partner Swarovski.
Founded in 1895 in Austria, Swarovski designs, creates and markets high-quality crystal product collections such as jewellery, accessories, decorative items for the home, ornaments and figurines. Swarovski has a global reach and showcases its sparkling crystal products via a network of own boutiques and retail partners, as well as the Swarovski website.