The 11 reasons why your waiter secretly hates you (and life).

Working is hospitality is a rite of passage. A really shitty rite of passage.

People may wonder why I’m so cynical, so quick to judge and so disillusioned with the state of humanity.

The answer is simple. It’s because I worked in hospitality. More specifically I worked as a waiter and sometimes that job is straight up awful.

Many people say these kind of jobs “build character” and teach you valuable “life lessons”. I’m sorry but cleaning up all manner of bodily fluids is not what I signed up for when I filled out my job application – and it isn’t teaching me shit. Well it is, technically. I’ve learnt a lot about the various public areas people think it is appropriate to poop.

Yes, of course some customers are genuinely nice and normal. But a surprising amount of humans that visit restaurants are basically sociopaths.

Here is how to not be one of them.

1. Don’t leave used tissues on the table.

Do I blow my nose and hand it to a stranger on the street? No. So don’t leave your snot rag on the table, on the plate or worst of all shoved in the bottom of a glass, for me to pick out and put it in the bin. Same goes for your chewing gum.

2. Tell me your dietary requirement.

With your mouth, form the words I cannot read minds. Tell me what your death inducing allergy is before I bring out the meal you’ve ordered full of it. I am more than happy to cater for your legit allergies. But don’t tell me that “paleo” is a dietary requirement. It’s a diet, but not a requirement.

3. Do not treat me like a dog.

Do not click, clap or whistle to gain my attention. Especially do not do this if I am serving another customer.

4. Do not ignore me.

If I’m standing table-side politely asking “who was having the chicken schnitzel,” just put a brief pause on the convo. Most plates are hot and heavy and I’m not here for shits and giggles.

5. If the menu is not MYO do not attempt to make it so.

If you have to say “it’s not on the menu but…” it’s probably not happening. Some substitutions are acceptable but if you start with, “can I have the burger but bolognese instead of bacon, cheese instead of beetroot and spaghetti instead of bread” forget it.

6. No PDA please.

This one actually seems to confuse a number of couples but no, the table you’re sitting at in this very busy restaurant is not actually your bedroom. It’s surprising the amount of people that can’t recognise the difference after a few cocktails. In my time as a waiter I have literally seen it all – including body parts and sex positions.

7. Do not make a complaint after you have eaten the entire meal.

And definitely do not expect a refund. Unless you’ve found a whole human finger in your very last bite, or something.

8. OMG GET OFF YOUR F*CKING PHONE.

This is the ultimate sin. But it seems the memo has not reached the entirety of the human race yet because people still attempt to order from me while talking on their mobile phone.

9. Don’t try to do my job for me.

Pleeeeease do not attempt to remove drinks from my precariously balanced tray. You might think you’re helping but you’re actually ruining my system, at your peril. You taking drinks off the left side will definitely result in the right side crashing down on you.

10. Please don’t let your children run amok.

Some (emphasis on *some*) parents seem to think that once their kids are in an enclosed space with other potential supervisors around, they’re off the hook.

11. Don’t tell me you know the owner.

Good for you. I don’t care.

And finally just be polite.

Is it too much to expect a please and thank you, or even a hello?

To me, these seem like common sense but maybe I’m just kidding myself.

Have I missed anything? What is your worst experience dealing with customers?