Surly they can work these things out themselves?
There are so many wonderful things you want to teach your kids.
And then there are those other things. The things you never thought you’d ever have to tell anyone. Yet, here you are sharing these little pearls of wisdom…
1. Pee IN the toilet, not on it. Not around it. In it. It wasn’t until I potty trained my kids that I understood what makes frat houses smell so bad.
2. The gift that is the courtesy flush. Parents, remember that someday your kids are going to be completing Operation Dumbo Drop around people who don’t love them unconditionally.
3. How to wipe your own butt. I knew that I’d have to potty train them, but I guess I thought they came installed with some sort of hard-wired sense of cleanliness.
4. How to not use too much toilet paper. See above. Or Google “plumber”.
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5. Not to drink poison. Listen to me, kids will drink poison if you don’t watch them. It didn’t happen to mine, but not for lack of them trying.
6. Not to walk into traffic. You know you’re going to have to teach them “look both ways” but did you know that they’ll probably still walk into traffic if you’re not there to yell at them? At least for the first six years or so. Another ten years on top of that, if they’re holding an electronic device in their hands.
7. Don’t poke the dog in the weiner. I mean, really.
8. Don’t smell the dog’s butt. Not good for you, not good for the dog.
9. Don’t shove a pencil into your ear hole. My kids are not unlike Hannah Horvath from GIRLS. They just have to push everything one step too far, all the time.
10. You have to change your underwear. Yes, every day. Part two of this: Take off yesterday’s pair before putting on today’s underwear. I’m not saying one of MY kids was layering three or four pairs of underwear at a time, but I’m also not saying they didn’t.
11. How to shave your armpits. Yet another thing you think they’ll just figure out on their own. But there are things grown-ups know about how to get into the tricky parts that simply cannot be figured out by a 13 year-old.