My name is Keryn and I’m an introvert.
Last weekend my friends invited me out for drinks and I said I couldn’t go because I needed to hibernate for approximately 48 hours.
I also said I LOVED THEM ALL but couldn’t think of anything worse than having to spend time with them.
I’m sorry about that.
I have, on more than one occasion, pretended to be sick so I could get out of doing something social.
No one has that many “stomach bugs”.
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I also have to admit that I’m very good at pretending I’m going to an event and then just not showing up.
I want to be a dependable, non-socially awkward person but at the same time I want to sit in a dark room far away from people for good chunks of my life.
So I’m sorry, I’m a big ole’ socially awkward introvert, and here are 7 things I will never, ever understand:
Excuse me, but how do you have so many friends and why the heck did you decide it was a good idea to gather them all together… in one place?
What are they talking about? Why is the music so loud? Is that a dog over there? God, I hope so.
While I’ll never understand why Sharon from accounting needs to talk to me about the weather every morning, I have definitely perfected the art of small talk over the years.
I now know to respond with things like this:
“Yes, it is hot.”
“And it’s only going to get hotter.”
“My boobs are producing more sweat than Donald Trump in a steam room right now.”
I lived in many a share house in my younger years and then I realised they were a special kind of hell.
After a big day of dealing with people the last thing I want to see when I get home is more… people.
I like my apartment to be full of plants and small dogs and not a housemate named Darren who puts his name on his carton of almond milk and listens to Despacito on repeat.
As far as I can tell, phones have two purposes – sending memes to my friends and sending photos of my dog doing things to my mum.
Phones should never be used for… for… phone calls.
Whenever my phone rings I hold my breath and wait it out. Then I Google the number to see who called me. It just makes sense to do this.
Open Plan Offices
Open plan offices is where privacy and three day old tins of tuna go to die.
When you’re an introvert, working in an open plan office can be exhausting. I often feel at the end of my working week that I have a little bit of a hangover from all that human interaction.
Hence the hibernation.
Last year my co-workers threw me a surprise party.
I’m still recovering.
Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat after dreaming about people surrounding me, chanting my name, and blowing manically into party blowers.
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Being Called Shy
Probably the biggest misconception about introverts is that we’re shy.
I have a loud booming voice, a penchant for inappropriate jokes, and I’m quite fun to be around… if I do say so myself.
But I also need to… not.
After a certain point I need to retreat and spend some time alone, recharging my battery, so I can re-emerge with new inappropriate jokes to share.
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