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The Twins recap The Bachelorette ep 9: Sophie just made her biggest mistake.

We open on doom music that simply does not belong, and we think maybe Osher pressed the wrong… button.

All da boiz are debriefing on the moment the ultimate boi Sam got sent home last week and we do not need reminding as we were all there. 

“I’m still shaking ay,” Blake says, and to be honest he looks fine.

Just as da boiz pause to reflect, Sophie emerges unexpectedly.

She leads them outside where… Oh Jesus.

It’s Osher. He has a series of tests.

Sweetie, no.

It's clear that in order to be allowed to plan another game, Osher was told he had to enlist the assistance of an "expert" to ensure there was context/rules/a scoring system etc.

But Osher became a Bachzilla and told the expert man to shut up and let him do the planning because games are his speciality.

Narrator: But games were not Osher's speciality. 

The series of tasks are... well they're ridiculous.

First the men are presented with a board and have to create a pie chart representing their personality traits, such as 'humour', 'emotional' and 'disorganisation', which is highly problematic... grammatically, but also... conceptually.

They establish how many 'disorganiseds' they are ON THE CHART and then an expert man from e-Harmony analyses them.

How... how many? Wait what?
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You would think that the man who is MOST compatible with Sophie wins. But you would be wrong. Rather, the man who is LEAST compatible with Sophie LOSES so we can go into another round which absolutely no one asked for.

James loses because he's organised and we're pissed off about it.

You know who could do with being a little more organised?

Osher.

Because maybe then we wouldn't have a game broadcast on national television that DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

You see, the men are given a mannequin each which they need to dress as Sophie. But not, like, Sophie the person. And they won't be judged on the outfit. Just on the type of date they want to go on.

So why didn't you just ask them what their ideal date is instead of making them dress a life size doll?

"How was I dragged into this?"
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Somehow Jarrod isn't eliminated for dressing his mannequin (which he most definitely sleeps with) in skiing attire, including a beanie and scarf, with a visible bikini underneath. We catch him flirting with his mannequin more than once.

Jesus this game is still going.

Next, Osher tries to recreate 'Perfect Match' and no one is having more fun than him. He is laughing really hard. 

He asks the three remaining men a series of questions about where Sophie might like to travel and what they would do with one million dollars.

"Who gave you permission to do this?"

But... oh.

When Jarrod writes down his dream destination we notice something.

Namely, that the 'Meldives' is not a place that exists.

"I want to go Urope and then Indonyscha before dropping in at the Meldives."
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We think he means... never mind. If you can't spell it you don't deserve to go there.

Ultimately Stu wins which makes us angry because he doesn't have to imagine having one million dollars he already has like five... and a boat.

During their one-on-one time Sophie asks if he's been compatible with partners in the past and he says, "Not as much as with you," even though he was married for 15 years and has spent not even 15 days with Sophie.

He goes on about how he loves marriage and children (... like any marriage... any children?) and he says he'd "do it all again in a heartbeat".

"I knew when we were the same number of emotions and humours."

Awks coz we read this week he's had a vasectomy and the first rule of reality television is believe everything you read and YOU WILL NEED TO GET THAT REVERSED WHICH WILL TAKE MORE THAN A 'HEARTBEAT'.

This man makes us irrationally mad.

STOP PLS.

It's single date time, and some producer made Sophie give it to Blake with the sole intention of making Jarrod's face go more... red.

For the first half of their date, Blake walks up a never ending driveway to nowhere and reflects on how much time he hasn't spent with Sophie.

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"I can't remember..."
"... a time when..."
"I wasn't on this driveway."
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Eventually, he finds Sophie and is informed they will be bottle feeding goats.

It's all fun and games, until...

"Jarrod sent me."

Oh.

This goat wants none of it and literally stares at Blake until he leaves.

Anywho, Blake keeps talking... how shall we put this... shit, about how his 'tactic" has changed along the way, because he's discovered the game is more "emotions based".

...

.......

Wut.

Ultimately, he says, it's emotions "that girls want".

... What?
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... Heh?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

Sophie asks what Blake is like in a relationship and surprisingly he doesn't respond, "Oh really bad. I cheat on chicks and play Call of Duty most weeknights."

Instead, he says, "I get like super cute. Cuddly..." which sounds approximately completely made up.

He then says some crap about communication being important, and when you're not communicating that's definitely bad, and you should always know what's going on (??).

"Especially the form of communication that is spoken in the form of talking."

There has never in the history of the world been a man who uses this many words to say so few things.

A band then starts playing out the blue and... no comment.

IT'S COCKTAIL PARTY TIME AND JARROD IS ANGRY.

He keeps saying Sophie is a "smart girl" and she is an effing woman. Pls. 

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Jarrod decides to lecture Blake about how much he truly cares for Sophie and he doesn't want her getting to the end of this and finding "she's got a dud".

"Are you calling me a dud?" Blake asks, and yes, Jarrod is calling you a dud. Mostly, if not exclusively, because you pissed in his pot plant.

"I even dobbed on him."

Stu tries to intervene, and tells Jarrod that there is nothing, absolutely nothing he should ever change about himself because he's perfect just the way he is.

He then turns to the camera and suggests Jarrod "bottle some of his emotions," because tbh he's coming across as a goddamn creep.

ENOUGH.

It's the rose ceremony and Blake needs to be sent home and reunited with Sam so they can do that weird thing where they slap each other's faces in public.

But...

Um.

Sophie gives him the first rose.

Oh sweetie we're pretty sure you can ask for that back?

But... she doesn't.

It's down to Apollo and James and no this is f*cked.

These are literally the two best Aussie blokes we've ever met watched. How could it come to...NO.

James is sent home and this is the saddest moment of either of our lives.

HE HAS A GOOD HEART SOPHIE CAN YOU NOT SEE? HE WOULD BUY YOU TREATS AND MAKE YOUR BED AND LISTEN WHEN YOU BITCH ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS. HE WOULD DEFINITELY DO THAT.

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HE HAS A KIND FACE.

SEE?

We will always miss the day James was Friar Tuck and protected Sophie from the man who said "cans".

Maybe nice guys don't finish last.

They finish fifth.

This is bullshit.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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