We begin with a comprehensive flashback of last week’s episode, including Blake saying the rude words, which irrationally annoys us because we SEEN’T IT.
We were there because we are never anywhere else and so were you.
Anywho, it’s awkward for everyone because we’re reminded that Jarrod is still here. And the worst part is, he isn’t… surprised.
Sophie walks along the beach and reflects, “This is the best thing I’ve done in my whole life,” and obviously she forgot about the time Bardot was a thing circa 2000, because that was the best part of everyone’s life.
She says she wants to follow her heart, but her head is confused. And by that she means she loves Stu, but feels conflicted by a) the lack of sperm in his testicles and b) the whole 'I'm still married to my wife' conundrum.
First up is Jarrod, and honestly why is he on a farm.
"I never have to worry about Jarrod's feelings," Sophie says, "because he's always yelling them at me. Like in my face while crying."
Sophie drives to meet him because feminism, Saudi Arabia etc. but as soon as she meets Jarrod she asks him to drive.
Um. Does she not remember the last time Jarrod got within a foot of a car and he REFUSED TO STOP FIXING IT even though the competition was over and he lost.
"I know he can get intense at times," Sophie says and no.
Jarrod is the most intense person we have ever known.
It's disconcerting. It forces people to urinate in his pot plant, which just makes him more intense.
They arrive at a racing track, and no one wants to do this activity, least of all Sophie who organised it.
It's truly abysmal television, and Osher would never allow a game that had such a clear winner and loser. It's lacking in confusion, ambiguity and, quite frankly, danger. #Neverforgetbicyclepolo.
Afterwards, they go to... sit in a... place and he says something about thinking about Sophie when he goes to bed and wakes up in the morning and it's like: Can you just dump him now so he stops? Pls. It's important.
Jarrod asks Sophie how she felt when he told her he loved her. We prepared a list of suitable responses for her to choose from:
C) Look, there's a bug.
D) Osher said you have to leave now.
E) Non parlo inglese.
Instead, she says something about Jarrod being one of the nicest people ever and she doesn't know what to do when people really love her.
Oh. ... Okay.
And then Jarrod says the single worst line of the series: "There's a purpose now to who I am. And that's to be who I am, for Sophie."
All of a sudden we're with Stu at the Opera House and this show lacks context and structure without an Osher.
We are reminded that Stu arrived in a f*cking helicopter and we swear to God if he brings up the fact that he already knew Sophie one more time...
Too late and WE'VE HAD IT WITH THIS STORY LINE WE DO NOT NEED A RECAP WE KNOW THIS SHOW BETTER THAN WE KNOW OUR OWN FAMILY.
Listen to tonight's episode of Bach Chat. Post continues below...
Stu and Sophie go to the Aquarium which is the best date idea we've heard literally all season.
The dugong needs no introduction. It's the cow of the sea.
Fun facts about the dugong include:
- The smells of their farts are 'dreadful' according to leading scientists.
- They eat only lettuce but are still absurdly fat.
- Their faces are ridiculous.
- We looked it up and the two dugongs at Sydney Aquarium are obviously named Pig and Wuru.
As Sophie and Stu admire the dugong from a distance, the dugong decides he wants to play.
We're not going to lie, this episode was real bad before the dugongs.
But now things are looking up and Stu and Sophie PAT PIG/WURU ON HIS HEAD and it is interesting that he has a little patch of hair. Like an elephant.
The dugong asks for an autograph from Sophie and it's all very fun.
They then go to sit somewhere away from the dugongs because it kept like... lunging itself at them... and Sophie says, "So when do you think you'll be divorced?"
"Very soon hopefully," Stu says and, um, cool.
We miss the dugong.
STOP PLS IT'S APOLLO and he's twiddling his thumbs for no reason.
Apollo and Sophie reminisce about his shit stirring grandma and we miss her very much.
Sophie presents him with a tuxedo because they are going to the opera and Apollo cannot believe it. "I've never been to the opera!" he says, and... what 24-year-old man named 'Apollo' has been to the opera?
A man sings on top of the mountain in another language while semi looking Apollo and Sophie in the eye and it's super socially intense. The opera singer man is actually really good and we feel sad because he's on The Bachelorette.
Sophie says she decided to bring Apollo because he's a performer. But... he's a magician.
They then go to a... room... to discuss their feelings and Sophie has CONCERNS. She's worried she felt "emotionally alone" during the opera performance, probably because she most definitely was. She feels tension because she doesn't think Apollo is ready to settle down but then also there's his face and it's all so confusing.
Sophie then asks him what the future looks like, and he explains that he's been working on a stunt where he is suspended in a straight-jacket attached by his ankles to a helicopter and he has to escape.
He looks proud and says, "Yeah I got heaps of stuff I'm working on."
Oh. But then things get very awkward.
Apollo says he could see himself getting married in the next four to six years, which is approximately four to six years later than when Sophie was planning on getting married.
It's at this point that everyone. stops. talking.
After three minutes of silence Apollo says the word "BREAD STICK" and honey, no.
But it gets worse.
They sit, sipping on their champagne, not making eye contact, discovering they have nothing to say to each other, when Apollo eventually concedes, "I think I'm just a bit nervous."
MATE YOU LITERALLY HANG OFF HELICOPTERS BY YOUR ANKLES HOW ARE YOU NERVOUS.
It gets to the point where neither of them are talking but they also can't leave so they just sit. It's not like they can go to the toilet or make conversation with someone else or pretend someone called them because they don't have goddamn phones.
By the end we swear we hear him start making nonsensical sounds to himself like "dooododo", and our bodies start to actually shut down.
SHHH STOP PLS IT'S OSHER.
He has been busy. In the mansion. Doing the counting. And according to his calculations, Apollo is going home.
Alas, Apollo is sent home but far more shocking is the reality that Jarrod just made the final two.
Osher glides back into the room, hovering just above the floor, and tells Apollo he must say his goodbyes.
Sophie feels really sad and with tears streaming down her face says she wants him to, "change the world" and she would be selfish to keep him.
This is significantly more emotional than we expected it to be.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT! (When Sophie chooses Stu. Finally.)
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