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The Twins recap The Bachelorette ep 10: When one man is eliminated, things get nasty. 

We open with Sophie walking in slow motion along a beach in jeans and, no.

Jeans are not a thing you wear to the beach. It’s… stressful.

There is suspense, you see, as tonight Sophie must meet the families of four men, and choose her final three.

But we have no concern for that.

No. We’re concerned that wet sand is going to flick up as she walks and enter her jeans at any moment and then start itching for the rest of forever.

Sophie, pls.

First - we're on a vineyard with a man who cannot for the life of him pronounce the word vineyard (it's vin-yed... not VIN-YARD).

It's awkward, because now Sophie thinks that's just how it's pronounced so she also says vin-yard, and they're in this cycle of mispronunciation and THERE IS NO WAY OUT.

Sophie asks Jarrod who she'll be meeting and the answer, like Jarrod himself, is too much all at once.

Listen to Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald debrief on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette. Post continues after audio. 

After listing every member of his immediate family, he says, "My best friend Chris. He's my brother,"and... wait... is he your... friend or... brother?

But none of that matters, because Jarrod has invited everyone he's ever met, including Tom who he sat next to in Year One (they weren't particularly close) and Louis who he met in the line at Aldi last week.

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"I had to hire out a function centre."

It's clear that Jarrod has waited his entire life to introduce Sophie Monk to people he knows and as soon as he sees them he's going to tell them about the pot plant.

But Jarrod's mum isn't sure. 

"He's jumped in a little quickly," she says which is legit the understatement of this entire series.

Out of nowhere a rogue baby emerges as a test of Sophie's ability to mum. She makes baby laugh and doesn't break him.

"Entertain me."
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Jarrod's mum asks questions the producers made her ask, and at one point Jarrod balances two plates on one hand in a bizarre attempt to impress Sophie. She says, "Nice balance!" and Jarrod feels immense pride.

As Jarrod walks her out after a fairly uneventful dinner he says, "Now that I've got mum's approval, I know what I want to say to Sophie," and no.

No, no no no no.

No.

No. Nonononono. No.

Jarrod, pls.

"My feelings have come to a conclusion," he tells Sophie.

"I've fallen in love with you."

And that's all we have to say about that.

SHHH.

IT'S TIME FOR APOLLO NOW.

Within moments he drops the line we've been waiting to hear: "Grandma's a shit stirrer."

Oh.

While Grandma Eli seems fine at first, before long she indeed starts stirring shit.

"What are your intentions towards Apollo?" she asks Sophie, and can we just pause for a moment and imagine how on earth Apollo explained this situation to his 94-year-old grandma?

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"YOU'VE NOT KNOWN HER VERY LONG SO BE CAREFUL!" she says a little too loudly but also to no one in particular.

"It's where I get my news."

But then she chills out a bit, and says that Apollo's the best looking out of all his brothers (who are... sitting right there) and also Sophie is "pretty".

So true.

Sophie likes Grandma Eli and gives her a rose.

Ugh. It's Stu.

"I want Sophie to get a taste of my lifestyle," he says, and we swear we hear him whisper, "because... well... I'm ridiculously rich. Like it's actually obscene."

He then forces her aboard the very boat she turned down 12 months ago and he just won't let that go. 

But, stop.

Stu has secrets and Sophie must listen.

He distracts her with her two favourite things, wine and seafood, and then is all like, "lol you know how you want kids? Yeah, well, my sperm doesn't come out when I ejaculate because I had a medical operation to stop that from happening lol, more wine?"

But it wasn't 'lol'.

"He made me promise."
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Sophie is shocked/sad/confused because she wants babies and sperm is helpful if not necessary in allowing that to happen.

Oh but also Stu is still legally married after being separated for four years.

Ugh, Stu pls.

Anywho, now it's time to meet his family and Stu's dad wants to know if Sophie just wants Stu for his money.

OH, HELL NO.

... What did you say to Sophie?
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Firstly, Sophie Monk doesn't need money, she was in Bardot. 

Secondly, she turned down Stu a year ago because she thought he was a douche because he clearly kept talking about his stupid boat.

Turns out they were just trolling her and all is well.

Oh Jesus.

It's Blake and we forgot he was still here.

"Didn't I?.... Never mind."

He takes Sophie ice skating which is a terrible date idea because all we can envision, obviously, is falling over on the ice, knocking out a tooth, putting your hands out to get back up, and a blade running over them.

The worst. 

They skate and then Blake sets up A PICNIC BLANKET ON THE ICE AND DON'T PEOPLE KNOW SITTING ON COLD SURFACES GIVES YOU HAEMORRHOIDS? DON'T THEY?

Blake takes Sophie to meet his mum and sister, and they go full fan-girl with the yelling and the hugging and the wanting a selfie etc.

They sit down to eat, and reluctantly interrogate her about Blake when clearly they just want to ask her about Bardot.

The questions get weirdly invasive and Blake isn't bothered because he appears to be in a coma.

IT'S ROSE CEREMONY TIME AND OSHER SWEETIE WE'VE MISSED YOU.

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"Counting. Day and night."

We all know who's going home and obviously it's Blake.

But...

He gets all... nasty. 

When he doesn't get a rose he seems devastated which is frankly bizarre given a) he didn't know who Sophie was until last week, and b) we're pretty sure he liked his boi Sam way more than Sophie.

She takes him outside and asks if he's okay, and he's all like, "I'm okay. NOT REALLY."

Goodness.

She says she didn't really feel like he had her back and he is mad because "I TOLD YOU I'VE GOT YOUR BACK," and dude we forgot you were even here until like two minutes ago.

"Have fun with the boiz," he quips, in a tone that suggests he does not want her to have fun with the boys. "Seriously she gives me that bullsh*t answer... the best guy for her is in the limo on the way home," he says and we have never been more certain that something is not true.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they cope with rejection.

And damn. Blake went full rogue. And not in a Grandma Eli way.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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