When I first found out I was pregnant with my first child I think i purchased every pregnancy and birth related book ever written. Sure, they were helpful in a ‘facts’ kinda way, I guess. If you’re into that kind of thing, go forth preggo friend and absorb the knowledge. But if you’re after a glossary of pregnancy and birth terms that tells you how it really is, this one’s for you.
The ‘tell it how it really is’ glossary of pregnancy and birth terms.
Braxton Hicks- Is it? Nope. Think of this as the pregnancy version of ‘duck duck moose’. False labour, false labour, false labour…. real labour!
Breech birth– An experience which will make you feel a new sense of empathy for giraffe mothers.
Cervix- The gateway to baby town. Think of it as the gatekeeper to germs, Lord of the Rings style, if you want “You shall not pass!”
Stretch and sweep- A tactic used to thin out your cervix as well as check your tonsils from a unique angle.
C-section- A surgical method of bringing a baby into the world. Usually involves you laying naked and paralysed in front of 8-10 strangers while they discuss their weekend golf game.
Colostrum- Baby liquid gold. Very shortly after birth a midwife will likely start milking you of your liquid gold in an attempt to get your baby to feed. Yeah it's weird having a stranger milk you but you'll get used to it.
Contractions- When your body starts acting like a faulty soft serve machine.
Crowning- The moment you decide on your religious stance and start making deals with relevant deities.
Let down- The moment a breastfeeding mother realises she and she alone will be responsible for all the night feeds.
Gas and air for pain relief- A funny joke hospital staff like to play on labouring women that results in many of them being punched in the genitals.
Embryo- The last technical term used to describe your baby in pregnancy books. From here on in, your child will be compared to different sized fruit.
Epistiotomy- The scary realisation that two holes are about to become one.
Forceps- Not oversized salad servers. Likely about to go up your lady bits.
Full term- Eviction notice.
Induction- 0-100 in two minutes if they're using 'The Drip'. It's pregnancy 'The Fast and The Furious' except with no nice cars and a distinct lack of Vin Diesel.
Kick count- The number of times you’ve been assaulted internally by your own human.
Latching on- The feeling of a small, toothless vampire attempting to navigate your oversized breasts.
Morning sickness- A deceitful term which fools people into believing that vomiting ceases at midday.