They’ve had enough.

You know how when you start a new job, or buy a vacuum cleaner, or book a holiday, you often get given a document of some sort? A guide, a manual, an itinerary? Yes, well, we need one for twins.

On behalf of the twins of the world, we are taking a stand. We no longer have time for your questions. We do not wish to entertain your curiosities any longer. We have things to do, places to see and twin magic to conduct.

So in the name of efficiency, we are going to address all of your twin questions/concerns/comments in order to satisfy your inquisitiveness.

Next time you see a twin, and that familiar urge to harass them begins to surface, all you’ll need to do is take three deep breaths and consult this list until the urge passes.

Questions you need to stop asking twins.

“If I punch you, can the other one feel it?” (Proceeds to punch one of us)

Do not do this. You have literally just physically assaulted someone for being a twin. That just isn’t a thing.

If you’ve done this to a set of twins, they most definitely talked about you when you walked away. You will never be the first person to ask if they can feel each other’s pain. Not even if they are newborns. Not even if they’re still on their way out of the womb. Someone, somewhere, has asked that question before you.

The whole ‘feeling each other’s pain’ thing is a phenomenon that has been recorded in identical twins. It’s usually to do with morning sickness or appendicitis. Not punching. Google it.

And stop punching us.

“Are you telepathic?”

Dude.

We knew you were going to ask that.

But in all seriousness, yes, yes we are all telepathic. You know what my twin is thinking right now? That you’re an idiot.

“Which one is the evil twin?”

In our experience, this is only ever asked by someone creepy, who is definitely going to try and sleep with the one who says ‘I am!’. They then ask it four times throughout the course of one night, because

a) They think it’s funny

b) They’re drunk.

We don’t like it and we’ve put a curse on you, because we’re both evil (#PlotTwist).

“If you’re twins, then why is one of you taller?”

Eugh, good point. We’ve been sprung – you’ve caught us out! We’re not actually twins, we’ve been lying the whole time because we enjoy the questions so much.

Phoar, okay, here it is:

There are two types of twins; identical and fraternal. Identical twins have identical DNA, because they come from one egg that split. See, it’s easy to remember because of the word ‘identical’.

Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs. Therefore, their genetics are not any more similar than that of normal siblings. So fraternal twins can be different heights, have different coloured hair, different skin tones, and can even be two different sexes. Which brings us to:

Asking a set of boy/girl twins, “So, are you identical??”

It’s biologically impossible. Let’s agree never to speak of this again.

“Are you twins or am I seeing double!”

Again, you’re drunk. No man over 60 has ever not made this joke. We’d love to say it was funny the first time, but we genuinely don’t think it was. What if we insisted that you were “seeing double”, would you go home? Or to the hospital?

“Who’s the dumb twin!?”

If you ask this question, the answer is you. You are the dumb twin.

“Did your Mum used to dress you the same?”

Eugh, dammit Mum.

“What’s is LIKE being a twin?”

We love this question. To be totally honest, it is super weird. Everyday we wake up and think “Is that my reflection or is that my twin!? Lol”. Seriously we cannot get over it – we’re just in perpetual shock. You never get used to having someone to share clothes with and kidnap for activities. Even after 25 years, it truly is a novelty everyday.

Except, none of these things. Being a twin is like none of these things.

“NO you’re identical! You are definitely identical!”

Identical isn’t like…a matter of opinion. It’s about an egg. The egg either split, or there were two eggs. Are you claiming to know what really happened in my mother’s reproductive system 25 years ago? Huh? Do you know? You know who’s identical? YOU. To the last person we had this argument with.

“Do you ever feel like you’re talking to yourself?”

Nope.

“Do you ever swap places? And trick people? ”

Like in class? Or in court? Because in most situations, fabricating your identity is…illegal. Just because we’re twins, doesn’t mean we’re criminals.

But in the name of full disclosure, yes, we love to swap places. Sometimes we’ll be sitting on the lounge at home, or at the dinner table, and we just get up and trade places! Hehe we’re real tricksters – it’s so much fun!

“How do you tell each other apart?”

Well, my dear friend, lean in close because this is important.

We can’t.

Yes, you heard right. When we wake up in the morning, we don’t know which one is which. It’s really distressing. Who is me? And who is her?

What we’ve learnt to do is try and work out which one is ‘me’, and then generally she is the other one. So far it’s working.

Thanks for asking!

 “Wait. Wait, let me guess which one is which!”

There is no suspense for us. We know the answer.

“SO CLOSE!” when they (inevitably) get it wrong.

The ‘which is which’ guessing game defies the rule of chance. It should be 50/50, but somehow people always get it wrong. Know that when you get it wrong, you were not close. In fact you could not have been more wrong or less right.

On behalf of twins everywhere, we really hope our Q&A cleared up any questions or queries you had about the twin-isphere.  So next time that voice in your head pipes up and says “go on, ask if they’re telepathic…” just know that twins are magic, and if you’re not careful, we will curse you (if we haven’t already).

We might only have one soul, and half a brain each, but there are two of us and only one of you.