“Is it just me, or does everyone on Survivor look too comfortable?”

It’s official. I’m starting a petition to change the name of Australian Survivor. I’m thinking something simple, to the point and blatantly obvious.

Like Scheme Island.

Because it’s getting ridiculous that we are three episodes in and there is LITTLE TO NO actual surviving going down.


Sure, these people are stranded on a tropical island (aka Samoa).

Sure, they’ve had to build their shelter out of sticks and attempt to start a fire with some sort of stone thing (I think it’s called a ‘flint’. I’ve heard the word ‘flint’ repeated over and over so I’m going to assume that’s right).

They’ve battled through wind and rain and some sort of weird high tide that looked more like a camp was set wayyyy too close to the shore than some catastrophic tsunami-type event.

But, it seems the guys and girls on the Aussie reincarnation of the show are spending more time scheming and plotting against each other than actually, you know, attempting to survive in the big scary wilderness.

This looks more like a sexy date on 'The Bachelor' than an attempt at survival. Image via Channel 10.

Also, there are too many physical-based challenges going on. And too many puzzles. We've already had two puzzle challenges and that's far too many for my liking.


Look, I don't mind the whole 'climbing over wooden hills and jumping on a net' thing (because ABS), but the show is lacking the one thing that makes Survivor such compelling viewing: those disgusting food challenges.

This is NOT a food challenge, guys. Post continues after video.

Video via Channel 10

We came close in a recent episode, when one team attempted to catch and cook a sea cucumber. There was some oozing. And gagging. But it was only a tiny glimpse into the greatness that is the 'Survivor Smorgasbord' challenge.

But, then, they're back to eating coconuts. COCONUTS.

Do they not know that coconut water is the staple of the Bondi hipster? That shit costs a lot of money. Also, yesterday I used coconut oil in a baking recipe and felt like a queen, and here these people are, scooping away at that delicious white flesh like they're on the tropical getaway of my dreams.

"I got this organic coconut on special at Harris Farm." Image via Channel 10.

I get that 'outwitting' the people on your team is a big part of making it to the end of the Survivor series. But when I have to watch the endless back-and-forth and chit-chat about alliances and trust and honesty when they could be EATING SOMETHING DISGUSTING, I get sad.

So, Survivors, less talk more action. And by action, I don't mean paddling a canoe around some buoys and then swimming back to shore. I mean EAT ALL THE THINGS.

(Unless of course your name is Lee, in which case, you are more than welcome to frolic around the island shirtless doing whatever the hell you please because you make this journey all worthwhile.)

Lee is obviously exempt from everything I just wrote. Image via Channel 10.

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