kids

The most annoying gifts to give to someone else's kid.

My friend and I have a game. Each year we try and out do each other by finding the most annoying, irritating toy ever for each other’s child and enjoy the look of fear spread across their face as we watch the little ones open it. The giver stands there, smug as the cheshire cat, silently enjoying the trauma that they have unleashed on the other household. It’s pure evil and my god, it’s good.

If, like us, you have a sick sense of humour, you might like to read on.

However this list is not just for the overt arseholes out there. Perhaps you need to buy a gift for a child of someone you secretly hate? Well, step this way because this is the ultimate in passive aggressive behaviour. You’re giving a gift (nice friend), a gift that will slowly drive the other person insane (not so nice friend).

A word of warning though, your time will come.

Glitter

The word alone is enough to send chills down any parents spine. In fact, if you give my kid glitter I will formulate a plan to break into your house with bags of the stuff and ‘make it rain’ like a semi-successful rapper so you too will know the feeling of leaving the house everyday looking like Edward Cullen. Glitter is an arty way of saying F U, parenting friend.

Mega Phones

There is nothing more annoying than listening to your child repeat themselves over and over and over. Oh wait, yes there is. Listening to them repeat themselves over and over through a mega phone.

Musical Toys

My aunt once gave my son a crawling snail which, after sensing movement around it would erupt in the most annoying song you're ever heard. It still haunts me. However, the snail was so sensitive that the thing would set itself off with the smallest distrurbance; like the dog outside. I'll tell you, sitting bolt upright in bed, woken abruptly by a singing snail is not the way you want to be at 4am.

Kenetic sand

Such a wonderful concept, such a great idea...until you're picking the stuff out of your carpet and paying hundreds of dollars in vets bills after the dog decides to eat a pile of it. It's the glitter of the science world.

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Tins cans that make animal noises when turned upside down

Hands up who remembers these from your own childhood? Hmmm, where did that thing go? That's right, in the goddam bin and thats where they belong. If you, like me, are a sick bastard and want to make your parenting friends suffer through endless dying goat noises, you can pick one up on amazon.

Nerf guns

They're popular, there's no denying it. In fact, my own husband brought these delightful weapons into our house at Christmas time and since then, it's a daily occurrance that I fish one of the foam pellets out of the babies mouth. I'm also a moving human target for my boys who think it's a hilarious idea to 'ambush' me while in the shower.

Goo related stuff

See 'glitter'.

Musical Instruments

Recorder, anyone? How about a harmonica. Giving a child either one of these items will result in you winning the title of present a-hole. I know because the title is currently mine. Mwah hahaha.

Toys with sirens

I don't think this one really needs explaining, does it? Sirens equals annoying. Your children will insist on bringing these with them in the car resulting in you becoming the most highly strung, anxious driver ever to be on the roads.

Pets without permission

"Look, mum! Uncle James gave me a pet mouse!!" There's a special place in hell for friends like you Uncle James.

Anything that makes fart noises

Annoying and potentially embarrassing, making it a winner with kids of all ages.

What's the most annoying gift your child has ever received?