Your 6 step guide to having a ripper Grand Final day (even if you hate AFL).

Okay. So I’ve been informed not everyone is excited about Grand Final day. I know, it’s hard to believe but some people aren’t behind the national past time aka footy (notice I didn’t qualify it as AFL because everyone knows NRL is not really football *ducks*).

I’m a footy fan. At least I really, truly was. In the year 2000, which admittedly was 16 years ago now, my team the mighty Demons made the Grand Final. And after lining up through the night for tickets, I watched their heartbreaking defeat.

I cried into my red and blue beanie the whole way home, and I haven’t been to a game at the MCG since.

Me circa September 2000. Devo.

While I'm not the dedicated Dees supporter I once was (and, to be honest, I'm a little rusty on how it all works), I can still get around the occasional clash. Especially on Grand Final day. And especially when I've had a few pints.

Whether you love footy. Or loathe it. Or simply don't give a f*ck about it... We've created the everywoman's guide to getting through the day in six easy to follow steps.

Step one: Pick a side.

Seriously, any side. Either side. Whoever.

Today the Sydney Swans will come up against the Western Bulldogs, so if you're NSW born and bred or a Victorian after my own heart, just pick the team from the state you live in. Easy.

OR be contrarian and pick the opposite. Just have someone to cheer for. And someone to yell at.

(Addendum: it's the first time the Doggies have played a premiership since 1961, so get amongst it. Just for the feels.)

Step two: Know the basics.

Alright. The game starts at 2.30pm, it's at the MCG. It'll be on your TV.

The pre-game entertainment will inevitably suck, but honestly just try and enjoy the spectacle.

The Swans finished on top of the ladder. The Bulldogs finished seventh and it's the first time a team that's finished lower than sixth has made the final. I mean, c'mon. It's a fairytale. Don't you just wanna support them?

Apparently, this Sydney player is very nice too though.

Great to be home! #CommunityCamp #newcastle #shakkas

A photo posted by Isaac Heeney (@isaacheeney) on


Step three: Choose your location wisely.

If you haven't got a BBQ to go to, hit up your local pub. Try to pick one with atmosphere, but also where you won't get beaten to a pulp.

There's obviously no shortage but if you're a Syndeysider in Melbourne pick your venue wisely...

You'll also want plenty of screens and a beer garden to boot.

Bring ear plugs.

Step four: Drink heavily.

Crack a tinnie or buy a pint. Beer will add a heightened sense of occasion and act as a social lubricant to help you bond with the die hard fans.

None of these beers though.

You also don't have to drink of course, but it will pass the time.

Be responsible: Line your stomach with hot chippies.

Step five: Master the lingo.

Yelling is cathartic. It's a hell of a lot of fun too. And Grand Final day is a great time to rediscover your deep emotional investment in ball sports.

Here's some good words and phrases to make you look like you're in the know:

BAALLLLLLLLLLLLL. It means "holding the ball", just yell it frequently and with abandon. You'll be fine.

BOOOOOO or C'MOOOOONNNN. These are both good for when a referee makes a questionable decision or someone

TOOO HIGHHHH. When you spot a high tackle.

CARRNNN THE DOGGIIIIEEESSS/BLLOOOOODDSSS. The former is for the Bulldogs and the latter is apparently slang for the Swans.

MAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEE. Can be used to express frustration/awe/as a non-specific greeting.

Step six: Hug it out.

Win or lose it's most likely you and your new best mate Steve ('Steve Pub' in your phone) have been on a journey together.

Hug it out, have a sing, then hug it out some more.

And there you have it. If everything else fails, just find a cute dog and wrap it in a football scarf. It'll make your day, promise.

Feature image: Instagram/amyelizabetth95/theadventuresofkenna