Every time a man lies in bed pretending not to hear a crying child, a female libido fairy dies,” wrote father-of-two Jack Ellis last year in his entry for a competition to find Australia’s Mentally Sexiest Dad. “And you can’t bring her back by tapping together your red dancing shoes and saying, “I believe in fairies”. I know. I’ve tried.”
Were truer words ever spoken? Whenever I recount them to women they laugh. And nod. And then they keep nodding until their head falls off.
The reaction from men is different. They laugh too but nervously. One man responded by turning pale. “You mean every time I’ve pretended to be asleep is one less time in the future my wife will sleep with me?” He paused as the full horror sunk in. “Oh God, I’m never going to have sex again, am I?”
Possibly not. Confoundingly though, it doesn’t work in reverse. Ok yes, like many women, I’ve done my fair share of faking sleep when a child cries or a dog needs to be let out and funnily enough, this seems to have no detrimental effect on the male libido fairy at all. Who knew? Oh wait, EVERYONE.
Generally, female libido fairies have little in common with male libido fairies. This is probably because male libido fairies are not fairies, they are warriors. Almighty superhero warriors, who wear full body armour, wield light sabres and have magic powers of resilience capable of withstanding virtually any threat. Fatigue, anger, weight gain, hangovers, heartbreak, homelessness, Ebola, low self-esteem…they are immune even to kryptonite and gastro. Stress? Illness? Solitary confinement? Pah. Male libido warriors laugh in the face of such assailants and flick them off like lint.
Female libido fairies however, can be fragile creatures. Really, they should live in a bubble. Possibly bubble wrap. Or at the very least, a carefully controlled ecosystem where they can be protected from the infinite number of seemingly innocuous things that can kill them. Like resentment.
I visited a butterfly farm once and you have to walk slowly and carefully around the enclosure. It’s temperature-controlled so it’s very hot and humid because butterflies need warmth to survive their very short lives. There were still little pretty carcasses dotted around the place because they are so fragile. In another part of the farm, they were breeding butterflies by the hundreds to introduce to the enclosure so the supply never diminished to unsustainable levels.
Perhaps in your household, female libido fairies are an endangered species? Deserving of protection? In need of a breeding program of their own? Because there is no Australian Conservation Foundation equivalent for the female sex drive, I’ve recently been pondering the ideal breeding conditions for female libido fairies.