Can TV make you dumber? Let’s find out!
To illustrate why that person should probably consider another career, The Bachelor was second in ratings for Wednesday night with 1,050,000 viewers.
The Celebrity Apprentice was placed 19th, behind The Chase Australia, which, after a straw poll around the office, I can assure you that no one has ever heard of before. All up, 566,000 people tuned in.
But the joke’s on the 22.5 million Australians who didn’t, because this show is a glorious trainwreck and therefore qualifies as must-see TV.
The show begins with a montage of boss guy Mark Bouris being a hard-nosed businessman and threatening to fire our erstwhile celebrities. His business advisers are noted bum-haver Kerri-Anne Kennerley and ModelCo founder Shelley Barrett.
The voice-over promises us the craziest (read: obnoxious) cast ever. Next, the voice-over tells us that Mr Bouris has recruited 12 of Australia’s best-loved and most controversial celebrities. The voice-over has already proven itself untrustworthy and therefore I will disregard everything it tells me from now on.
And our celebrities begin making their entrances. Each of the women is filmed strutting in slow motion. Each of the men is allowed to walk like a normal person at a normal pace.
Our first celebrity? Real Housewife of Melbourne Gina Liano. No comment.
Richard Reid, celebrity gossip extraordinaire, enters and tells us his first job was shovelling horseshit at the county fair, which is basically this show in a nutshell.
Slow-motion Sophie Monk, who Kerri-Anne Kennerley tells us is “fabulous and looking really good,” and exactly what you want in a businessperson, makes her entrance.
“Awww get lost!” Monk says when she sees the two already there.
“If I’m losing, I do have another outfit with a push-up bra. What a bogan!” she says, in her Patty and Selma via Inala voice.
Next, a terrified-looking James Mathison, who is known to proclaim to whoever will listen that reality TV is dead.
Here come two slow-motion hot girls whose faces are unfamiliar. The voiceover tells me they are Miss Universe Australia Tegan Martin and Home and Away actress Esther Anderson, but it’s lied to me before.