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The Celebrity Apprentice recapped: Bullying, prancercise and Geoff the crazy elf.

True colours, shining through.

We’ve reached the third week of Celebrity Apprentice, and we’ve already lost arguably the most entertaining of our celeb-preneurs, Gabi and Blake. I like to imagine they’re watching the show together, he grasping his ever-present red rose and she with her state-ordered ankle bracelet.

This week opens with another busy city montage, overlaid with the dulcet tones of Sophie Monk reading the weather on the esteemed Kyle and Jackie O Show.

En route to this week’s mystery destination, Richard Reid is still crowing over the demise of his nemesis/tender lover Blake last week.

The fleet of 4WDs carrying their precious celebrity cargo arrive at a boxing gym. Who should be in the ring? None other than Daddy Warbucks himself, Mark Bouris. He is eventually allowed by his opponent to win.

He hasn’t even broken a sweat.

Geoffrey is dressed in a red tracksuit and a gold rope chain and resembles Ben Stiller’s character in The Royal Tenenbaums, if he’d aged terribly and added some hip-hop flava.

Bouris is pissed Monk’s on the radio doing her job and not admiring him as he boxes like a middle-aged upper-class Rocky Balboa.

Geoffrey Tenenbaum.

This week’s stupid pointless task designed to create maximum humiliation challenge is to take over a gym, build a fitness programme, put it on a DVD and market it. Whoever sells the most DVDs wins or something. I would pay so much money to see Geoffrey Edelsten do Aerobics OZ-style.

James is having his usual moment of self-flagellation for agreeing to this caper. Soon, he’ll take himself off to a corner and remind himself of his family’s empty stew pot and the fact that they’ll all end up in the workhouse if he doesn’t apprentice the hell out of this show.

Pull yourself together man!

Alleged actress Esther tells us that as a model/actress with gym experience, she’s uniquely equipped to deal with this challenge.

Warbs explains that someone will be fired from the losing team after this challenge, which seems a little redundant at this point, but terrified expressions are edited in to give it gravitas.

Sophie arrives after the pep-talk. “I’m gonna get foired!” she says, gleefully.

Meanwhile, Richard tells Sideshow Dormer and Geoffrey that he loves going to the gym and doing what sounds like jazzercise. “So I really think we should cater to that audience,” he says. “Young Sydneysiders who go to the gym.”

“Fifty-year-old gay men,” contradicts Dormer, which I don’t believe is a burn but merely a stated fact.

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Richard is burned.

Richard and Dormer bicker while poor little Geoff murmurs ineffectually about heart attacks.

Miss Universe Australia puts her hand up to be the girls’ team leader. Alleged actress Esther doesn’t utter a word, which Mel thinks shows a weakness of character up with which the Royal Prank DJ will not put.

They all take notes as they discuss their strategy, which includes “burning calories” and naming their workout “pump it up with celebrities”.

After trashing alleged actress Esther, RPDJ then accuses team leader Miss Universe Australia of being a control freak when she wants to take over note-taking on the white board and waves her hands in MUA’s face in an irritating fashion.

“Control freak!”

Muscles Cooper becomes the boys’ team leader because he is the only one with muscles. Geoffrey says he’s going to get more than $50,000 in donations but he talks a big game. Can you back it up this week, Geoff? If you forgot what you’re supposed to be doing, just ask one of those nice producers.

Richard Reid’s big contribution to their round-table is to demand that Muscles Coops be almost naked in their DVD. He’s really pining for Blake now. Surprisingly, Coops agrees, saying, “We’ve got to use our assets.” Modesty is not an asset.

This is Richard’s, “Naked men? No brainer!” expression.

The girls have decided on an ’80s-themed workout, which involves much leotard and scrunchie.

Alleged actress Esther makes a suggestion about “prancercise” which is greeted with derision from her team. She is unaware and continues prancing around the room, heartbreakingly.

She is definitely getting kicked out. Just like my friends in year four, all of her team have turned against her. They will run away from her at lunchtime kick her out of their team. When she speaks, she is spoken over. Next, they’ll demand 20 cents from her for Zooper Doopers from the canteen.

Gina describes the situation thus: “You’ve got buffaloes fighting against a Gisele.” Well, you know. Esther’s slender like Gisele. However, I think you’ll find she prances like a gazelle, Gina.

To me, she is no longer alleged actress Esther. She is sweet, misunderstood Esther.

Esther is prancercising, and it is not going down well.

Only three of the women can appear in the promotional material for the girls Pump it up with the Stars DVD (yeah, they went with that), for some reason. Project manager Miss Universe Australia thinks she should be on there, but without her sash it’s unlikely anyone will recognise her.

Over with the penis posse, Richard is making his directorial debut. He has Muscles Coops uttering such banalities as, “Next, I’ll get you ready for the gunshow!” while topless in tiny shorts. Even Coops has to say, “I think it’s a bit cheesy, eh?”

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Richard, as we have learned, doesn’t take criticism well. “OK,” he says, adding Coops to his kill list, which is currently populated with Blake Garvey and Tim Dormer. They’re shirtless and making out for some reason.

This is KAK’s naughty face. She says that Richard is trying to “camp up” Coops. Kerri-Anne, you bad thing!

Richard is definitely using this as a prime perving opportunity. It’s decidedly on the creepy side and if Coops was a woman I’d have definitely called Clementine Ford by now.

Richard gets an oiled-up Muscles Cooper to repeat phrases after him for the video, which he does dutifully. Too dutifully. He does it in an American accent.

“You’re from Shell Harbour, dude,” James, who has rallied, points out pithily.

Richard, as is his wont, begins behaving like a petulant but dim-witted child when Tim and Geoff come to check up on the exercise DVD’s slow and sexy progress.

This is not OK Richard Reid.

Meanwhile, the girls are also creating their DVD which to this fitness expert’s eye (I did aerobics from grades eight to 11, hello) seems to consist solely of the grapevine. My sweet, misunderstood Esther gets $10,000 from Target and her spirits are lifted.

“It’s hard to see the depth of Esther and understand her strengths,” says known deep person Royal Prank DJ. She’s pissed because Esther was able to secure fluoro headbands when RPDJ wasn’t. Don’t be bitter, RPDJ.

Over to the boys and Muscles Cooper is lifting Geoff onto his shoulders for publicity posters, or fun. Tiny Geoff giggles like a child on its first carousel. “This is like a rodeo!” he squeals. He is frankly adorable, and any 22-year-old American socialite is lucky to have him. Lol jks.

A-DOR-ABLE (read it in the way Oprah would say it).

Fans and friends start arriving at the gym for the girls’ grapevine workout session.

The boys’ workout room is empty. Or the show has been edited in such a way as to make it appear as if it is empty even as the girls’ fills up. OH NO, what will happen next?!

James is spruiking in a half-hearted fashion. “Do you want to go to this thing, in here?” he whispers to passersby.

Nope.

Finally, one guy arrives. Then several more. Then a guy in a chicken suit enters the room. This is apparently the “Nando’s team”. What a bunch of fun-loving morons team players.

The girls have a full house and it’s time to get down to it. Monk says what I have long suspected: this routine is basically just one long grapevine. “Even drunk in a club. You can’t lose,” she says of the move, which has the ring of truth and hard-won experience to it.

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Monk grapevining for all she is worth.

“I was definitely one of the drawcards,” says Gina as she basically files her nails and chews gum at the back of class having gotten out of participating, due to “girl problems”, probably.

Things aren’t looking as dire in man-town, thanks to that Nando’s mascot, apparently. Richard is so grateful to the Portuguese chicken company that he begins to tear up. Sideshow Dormer hugs it out with him, probably so he can’t see him smirking.

The most insincere hug of all time. Yeah, I’m into hyperbole.

“I thought I did really well,” sums up sweet, misunderstood Esther. “But I thought that in the last challenge too and nobody else did.” Sob.

TO THE BOARDROOM, BITCHES!

Sideshow Dormer is obviously taking this seriously because he’s done his hair in his good going-out top knot.

Bouris Balboa enters flanked by his henchwomen who are full of praise for the team leaders, Miss Universe Australia and Muscles Cooper.

Daddy Warbucks asks Miss Universe Australia why she didn’t utilise sweet, misunderstood Ether’s “gymnasium experience”.

Because prancercise.

MUA elects “prancing” as her reason.

Just like my grade eight year adviser, Mr Bouris asks the women why they were tormenting me none of them would listen to Esther’s ideas.

Mel takes it upon herself to be a humungous meanie, saying sweet, misunderstood Esther doesn’t have “conviction and confidence” in her ideas. Probably because you robbed her of it last week.

Daddy W agrees with me. Next, RPDJ trashes prancersising which makes Tegan smirk unkindly. They have succeeded in making Esther cry. Happy now?

Don’t cry my precious snowflake.

Dad tells sweet, misunderstood Esther to stand up for herself.

She says she feels like the easiest person to pick on because she’s not as loud as the other girls. ME TOO, ESTHER!

“You weren’t even in my team for the whole time so I don’t know how you know that I wasn’t having good ideas,” my rare diamond squares up to RPDJ.

“Your role was marketing… you didn’t even fulfil your role,” says fragrant flower Esther. “You couldn’t organise the headbands, I called a contact and organised the headbands!” Oh, ZING! The HEADBANDS!

Blonde henchwoman who isn’t KAK says, “Esther does have great ideas but tends to get railroaded by the other girls.”

Mel looking witheringly down on sweet, misunderstood Esther.

The boys all feel sorry for tiny prancer Esther, especially Richard, who is crying again.

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OK, quit your whining, everybody! The numbers are in. Actually they were here all along and we could have avoided that ugly scene completely, but hey.

Girls: $85,233

Boys: $65,559.

WOWZERS. That money goes to CACT and Miss Universe Australia also gives $20,000 to the Randwick Hospital, Muscles Cooper’s charity, despite the fact that he clearly thinks she’s a little bully.

Poor, sweet misunderstood Esther now has to drink champagne with a bunch of her tormentors. They’re probably going to dak her and stick chewing gum in her hair.

RPDJ gives the worst apology, possibly in history. “Esther, I am so sorry for having to say those things,” she simpers, hugging the poor girl.

I misspoke. THIS is the most insincere hug of all time. Esther, you are a gracious fairy princess.

So, the boys have lost again. Let’s see how quickly Richard turns on Tim, shall we?

Richard proudly tells Daddy Bouris that he was the person who got Nando’s involved.

“They outsmarted you,” Bouris tells him, cuttingly. “For five grand, they got their mascot filmed on national television.”

Oh, Richard is just dying to blame Coops for giving them all targets of $5,000 each but he can’t because he wants to see him shirtless again ASAP.

Fortunately he doesn’t have to because Sideshow Dormer blames Geoff. Richard blames James, Tim and Geoff. Geoff blames James. James blames Geoff.

Coops decides on James and Geoff to join him in the boardroom. After much boring back and forth and Daddy Warbucks asking people questions then demanding they stop speaking when they try and answer them, he fires tiny, baffled Geoff.

Put that nasty finger away, Mr Bouris. Pointing is rude.

Poor Geoff! This is worse than when Brynne and Gabi left him, combined. Oh wait, he doesn’t know about that last one yet.

He says a sort of gracious goodbye then does a hilarious little finger-pointing move like the cheeky little Christmas elf he is.

This should become a dance craze like the Harlem Shake, or the Dougie. I’ll start it.

The henchwomen are extremely tickled by this. Bouris is amused but hides it to preserve his serious business-guy facade.

“I’m looking forward to going home to my beautiful wife and getting back to a normal life,” Geoffrey says in the ride of shame home. Oh, Geoff. You poor elderly munchkin. Just remember, there are plenty of other mentally unstable 22-year-old Americans in the sea. Go get ’em, tiger!

Missed the first two episodes? Catch up here!

The Celebrity Apprentice is happening to us all.

The Celebrity Apprentice episode 2 recapped: butts, boats and Blake.

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