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The Block room reveals: Sticks and Wombat have no idea what women want in the bedroom.

Every year The Block rolls around, I tell myself: I will not watch hours upon hours of home renovations again. Watching people decide on throw pillows and fight over power tools is boring. And I am important and have so many better things to doInstead, I will spend my precious hours doing something productive. Like learning Spanish! Or writing a novel! Or decorating my OWN apartment, which is currently covered in a light dusting of crumbs.

I told myself all these things, but then a hammock-sleeping human named ‘Wombat’ stumbled onto my television screen. Long story short, I’m locked in for another year of exposed wooden beams and rose gold taps.

I will sit through this ridiculousness for you and you alone, my love.

Because I care very little about what happens between Monday to Thursday on this show, I will be recapping Sunday episodes, the only time when anything of slight importance happens.

You might notice that today is absolutely not a Sunday, and before we even begin I have gone rogue, but take it up with the Channel Nine producers/Scott Cam who rudely interrupted my schedule and gave the contestants a 48-hour spare bedroom challenge.

TO THE ROOM REVEALS!

Last place: Clint and Hannah

Theme: Grandma's lavender haven of no thank you

Cost: Too much for the end result

Notable quote from the judges: "There’s nothing that draws your heart”

Click through to see the before and afters...

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Welcome to the spare bedroom that Clint and Hannah were weirdly proud of, but kinda looks like a three-star bed and breakfast in Tasmania.

I'm no Shaynna Blaze, and maybe I do have a suspicious looking mould growing on my bathroom ceiling, but this bedroom was... a bit blergh. A bit... meh. A bit... my grandmother legitimately has those curtains in her house right now.

We'd expect this from Clint and Hannah in the first room reveal, considering they're an ex-footy player and flight attendant who don't have the faintest clue in how to renovate a house.

So, you know, they're probably nice people, but will definitely be the couple the judges slam all season.

Fourth place: Sticks and Wombat

Theme: 'We cannot buy artwork. We have terrible taste in artwork. Someone please stop us from buying artwork.'

Cost: $4300

Notable quote from the judges: "70 per cent of the room sucks, but the 30 per cent is gold”

Click through to see the before and afters...

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Uh... that greeny oceany artwork above the bed is atrocious. It's just... not right. At all. I'm guessing this is exactly what Le Vogue Judge Man was talking about because it's burning my corneas a little bit.

The boys also forgot that someone in possession of fallopian tubes might need to sleep in this bedroom one day, and will need storage for our totally necessary 107 beauty products. You know, a bedside table or two wouldn't go astray fellas. Without them, where on Earth are our moisturisers, makeup wipes, contact lenses, spare snacks, hair ties, bobby pins, breath mints, tampons, nail scissors and contraceptive pills gonna go, Sticks and Wombat? WHERE ARE THEY GONNA GO?

Women need bedside tables. Otherwise, there are tampons and bobby pins flying everywhere. It's not pretty. I cannot stress this enough. Shaynna, I'm trusting that as a member of the sisterhood you pulled Sticks and Wombat up on this grave error in judgement.

Third place: Sarah and Jason

Theme: CUSHIONS

Cost: $13,800

Notable quote from the judges: "What I'm really seeing here is a real respect for the bones of the house"

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In the same breath as calling this house "respectful" to its era, the judges commented that Sarah and Jason had removed too many of its period features.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ make of that what you will. I think it's both a little bit boring and a little bit cute. I also want to rub my face all over that fluffy navy cushion.

Second place: Elyse and Josh

Theme: ~speshal floors~

Cost: $7,200

Notable quote from the judges: "Very Block-y, isn't it? It feels like The Block"

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The annoyingly perfect couple delivered an annoyingly good room (no but they really do seem like a down-to-Earth bogan duo with the genetics of gods who go surfing on the weekends and are totally chilled and laid back and chilled and I wonder if they're into the idea of adopting a 23-year-old writer?)

Their green feature wall is cool, but we should be very angry because they got rid of the jaggedy old-school something something near the ceiling. Apparently, this is an important and big mistake. It's not really clear why. Just be mad, okay?

Look, it's a good spare bedroom. They've given me very few wanky features to work off here. Let's move along.

First place: Ronnie and Georgia

Theme: Fake pug chic

Cost: $8,700

Notable quote from the judges: "That cornicing, on top of everything else, is nuts. Yeah, completely nuts. Wow."

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I'm sorry - forget about the swish room for just a minute - can we please talk about the fake pug ornament? The one that's the actual size of a pug puppy? That is not OK. I got very excited that a snoozing doggo had found its way on set. I'm bitterly disappointed.

Other than that, sure, their spare bedroom room is abnormally good. But that's kinda what you'd expect from the couple WHO RENOVATE HOUSES FOR A BLOODY LIVING.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lie down on my tatty old couch and pray to Jesus Christ that next week for bathroom week, someone will dare to put their toilet outside the bathroom area again. I wonder if Le Vogue Judge Man will burst a blood vessel. I can't wait to find out.

See you for the next room reveal, friends!

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