Today I found out there are four weeks of this show to go and I feel ill. I mean, I just can’t keep watching ceiling cornices break grown adults in two. I can’t watch another week of shitty fights about stovetops and missing building supplies. I just… it’s exhausting.
And yet, I keep coming back. Even for freakin’ hallway week.
The producers are really trying to make us think “hallway week” is a pivotal week in the season. Because of this, they begin the episode with a 10-minute montage of the contestants saying things like “this week is very important” and “hallway week is crucial” and “the hallway is the most important area of our house, if not the entire suburb of Elsternwick” on repeat
But we’re not idiots and are all well aware that… it’s just… not true.
You and I both know that hallway week is a f*cking filler week. On the upside, at least we got to hear Elyse describe Feng Shui as a “Japanese religion”.
Ahhhh, glorious. Anyway, let’s dissect the couple’s rooms (and the judge’s comments) because we’re all trapped in this together.
Hannah and Clint: 22/30
Hannah and Clint’s hallway was nondescript… kinda like that quiet kid who went to your high school and you still didn’t recognise at Year 12 graduation. In Judge Neil’s own words, “it doesn’t really give you a sense of the drama of the house… you’re going to have to walk through here to find that out for yourself.”
For all my life I thought “you have to walk through here” was, you know, the definition of a hallway. Apparently I was wrong.
Click through the gallery to see Hannah and Clint’s hallway and laundry. (Post continues…)
Ronnie and Georgia: 24.5/30
Every week Ronnie and Georgia insist they don’t care what the judges say because they’re all about the buyers blah blah blah, but then continue to complain when Shaynna Blaze questions anything they’ve done.
This week was no exception.
Click through the gallery to see Ronnie and Georgia’s hallway and laundry. (Post continues…)
Sarah and Jason: 26.5/30
I swear on my left fallopian tube Sarah and Jason would have won if their room was even close to finished. Their ceiling reminds me of a cathedral – or a church – and for some reason I’m all about it.
Judge Darren complimented their hallway for “just drawing you into the house”… which, again, is literally just what any hallway does. Literally. But alrighty.
Click through the gallery to see Sarah and Jason’s hallway and laundry. (Post continues…)
Elyse and Josh: 27/30
At the beginning of their room reveal, Elyse and Josh looked like they were going to get nothing but sweet, sweet 10s from each judge. I mean, their chandelier was like a beady-goodessy-lighty-dreamy-thingy-majig.
Here’s a very legitimate transcript of what the judges said about Elyse and Josh’s chandelier.
“What a knockout.”
But what the judges weren’t so chuffed with was the duo’s laundry which just… didn’t have a toilet. (Apparently laundries need to have toilets now. If they don’t, there at least needs to be a toilet within every square metre of the house. Rich people from Elsternwick must like having lots of places to pee or something. Don’t ask me… I don’t make the rules.)
For this grave oversight – and the fact their five-person house has a grand total of one storage cupboard, they didn’t win.
Click through the gallery to see Elyse and Josh’s hallway and laundry. (Post continues…)
Sticks and Wombat: 28.5/30
Unpopular opinion: the judges just really wanted to give our national treasures a win.
DON’T GET ME WRONG. I love Sticks and Wombat. They are everything I love about Australia.
It’s just that their hallway and laundry weren’t, um, at all the best this week. Their rooms were nice. And boring. And that’s about it.
I still love them, I swear. (Please don’t hurt me.)
Click through the gallery to see Sticks and Wombat’s hallway and laundry. (Post continues…)
Until next week, reader friends!
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