We’re BACK and it’s bathroom week but before we get into exposed copper taps/$1500 speakers/Wombat’s glorious beard, we need to address something deeply serious that indicates a seismic shift in not only The Block, but life as we know it.
Turtleneck Judge – whose actual name I refuse to learn because he will always be known as Turtleneck – ISN’T EVEN WEARING A BLOODY TURTLENECK TONIGHT. He’s gone rogue and it’s only the second room reveal. A confused intern handed him a leather jacket and I don’t like it.
I'm annoyed. I became accustomed to a certain uniform and I feel Turtleneck's opinions hold less weight now. This show is falling apart and the next thing we know Ronnie and Georgia will start liking each other.
This is bathroom week - AKA the week we all learned Clint and Hannah have no bloody idea what they're doing. Despite this, they seem to be of the opinion that everything will turn out OK when the entire country know it's absolutely not going to be OK.
Here's what they, erm, came up with.
Clint and Hannah: 16/30
Of one thing we are absolutely certain: Out of approximately 6708 seasons, Hannah and Clint have never watched this show before. If they had they would be acutely aware of the fact that YOU NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT THE TOILET IN A SEPARATE ROOM. Did you two seriously not watch Ben and Andy make this cardinal sin last year?
And yet, here we have a bathroom separate from the toilet. Pathetic.
Le Vogue Judge says it looks "sad", with a pissed off look on his face, while Shaynna and Turtleneck experience a wave of grief and anger. They all nod their heads in solemn unison about the poor, lonely toilet and I think I see a puddle of tears collect on the floor. It really is a design tragedy. I feel mortified at the fact this is on national television, and can hear Australians everywhere weeping at the injustice.
(There's also a lot of mosaic tiles, which is a decision Le Vogue Judge deems to be "bold in its intention". I have no idea what he means.)
Here's a look at the toilet sink and Clint and Hannah's interpretation of a "splashback".
While the down-lights under their bathroom cupboards remind me of a souped-up Mitsubishi Magna from 2003, I'm not sure if that's the look they were going for.
On all accounts, it's kinda crap.
Click through to see Clint and Hannah's bathroom.
Sarah and Jason: 24/30
Scott Cam feels the need to remind us Sarah and Jason are the "old" ones whenever they appear on camera, despite them not being old at all. But they're the oldest contestants, okay? They're like... 40 or something, so... you know... their lives are practically over and now they're just waiting for the sweet embrace of death.
The producers keep sneaking in sound bites where Sarah and Jason talk about how "tired" they are and how they have sore backs and I swear to god Channel 9 is ageist against freaking 40 year olds.
Anyway, they made a bathroom and it's... pretty.
Le Vogue man was thrilled to "see a new take on the Moroccan tile we’ve seen a lot of" - which is weird because I've literally never been in a house with Moroccan tiles in my entire life and now I'm realising I'm a scummy cultureless potato.
If anyone can tell me how Sarah and Jason's Moroccan tiles are a "new take" on the old Moroccan tiles, I'm all ears.
Click through to see Sarah and Jason's bathroom.
Ronnie and Georgia: 25.5/30
Ah, the token "we're gonna fight all season long and always draw out the last syllable of any sentence we scream at each other while being annoyingly good at home renovations" couple.
While they nearly got a divorce over a $1500 gold speaker, Ronnie and Georgia managed to get through this challenge without reaching dangerous decibel levels, which was a win for anyone with earbuds across the suburb of Elsternwick.
Their bathroom was above average. In a nutshell, Le Vogue man would lick the patterned tiles they walk upon, while Shaynna is totes off them for not putting any storage at "face height" (how very dare they!!!!!).
The judges said their sink is also totally unreasonable for a bathroom of this size, obviously.
Click through to see Ronnie and Georgia's room.
Sticks and Wombat: 26.5/30
For someone who showers under a tree in the bush, sleeps in a hammock, and lives in a tin shed, Wombat isn't too shabby at this. But if you thought that's going to stop the music team playing banjos and hillbilly music over the top of anything he says, think again.
Because he lives in THE BUSH. Which means he's like AN ALIEN. This is very important to remember at absolutely all times.
The boys promised they were going to "zen the crap out of this house”, and considering their bathroom had a mini Bonsai tree, you can say they delivered. (Bonsai tree = maximum level of zen.)
They did forget to match the colour of their #exposedcopper with their silver taps, and didn't know what the heck the judges meant when they called them "bespoke", but their towel-folding skills impressed big time. Because all men are stupid and can't fold towels... obviously.
Click through to see Sticks and Wombat's room.
Josh and Elyse: 27/30
It turns out that when Josh and Elyse aren't skateboarding/surfing/patting their dog/being genetically blessed and loveable bogans, they're annoyingly talented at this renovation thing too.
Their bathroom was good, okay? It was bloody good. They managed to make a circular bathtub look trendy and like something I want to own when really a circular bathtub just looks like something that should be filled with two minute noodles.
Apart from that, I have very little to say about their bathroom. Their bathroom be good.
Click through to see Elyse and Josh's room.
Until next week, ya filthy animals!
What was your favourite bathroom?
For more from Michelle Andrews, follow her on Facebook here.