Of my many shameful, far-from-attractive flaws, my taste in movies is exactly the kind of taste you have to pretend you don’t have.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inception? Ha, of course I got through that movie. An Academy Award-winning best picture that shines a light on the state of affairs of our world? Running out the door to see it. I love getting smarter! A foreign film, with an onslaught of hidden messages and overarching, nuanced themes? Absolutely I want to be dissecting the meaning of the world as I sit and watch some people act on screen.
Except I’m lying and I don’t.
You see, if I have to explain my movie taste in seven words or less, it would be this: “I don’t really want to think.”
And yet, I am positively sure there are many people in the world like me, because the sheer number of stupid movies that exist – and thrive – would suggest they are many others that could also wax lyrical about the beauty of not thinking.
Of course, watching said movies always comes with the added risk of walking away a little bit stupider than you walked in, but hey, at least no energy was exerted in the process, right?! (‘m kidding. Haha. Kind of.)
Anyway, in the spirit of nothing at all, I thought I would bring you the greatest worst movies of all time. Because some movies are so awful, they’re excellent.
She’s the Man
This film – where Amanda Bynes dresses up as a totally unconvincing boy to make the soccer team – is equal parts brilliant and mind-numbingly awful.
For one, the lack of realism is astounding. Amanda Bynes neither looks nor sounds like a boy, and yet, no one questions a thing. It’s just silly. Also, Channing Tatum isn’t hot when he is deliberately acting dumb.
Alas, somehow, the film comes together in a funky mash-up of bad jokes, clunky story arcs and happy endings. Winners all round.
This one, um, is courtesy of my colleague Michelle.
I feel if I try to explain the premise of the film to you – which is literally just the title of the movie – I would be doing the story the ultimate disservice.
Instead, I present to you, the trailer:
Forgive me, for even Sharknado isn’t a film my terrible movie taste will stoop to.
My colleague Clare, however, will. And has. And loved it.
When I asked her exactly what the premise was, she explained that yes, I probably could’ve just looked at the title.
“There’s a tornado… but with sharks you see.”
Clare thinks “deep down, we’re all terrified of a shark tornado” which she is wrong about, but I will humour. She adds it’s “mostly escapism” and “also combines two great genres: natural disaster movies and shark movies”.
Oh yes, this one’s bad. When I asked my colleague Keryn for her most articulate explanation as to why Grease 2 was bad, but also a little bit good, this was all she gave me:
“The songs were sh*t, the storyline made no sense, it was like the poor man’s version of the real thing.”
(She has a way with words.)
Lesbian Vampire Killers
My colleague Brittany, who loves this movie, says it's not quite what it sounds like.
It's like a horredy... she says. Or comhorror. Either way, a combination of comedy and horror, in case you missed the merging of the words.
"It's a funny horror movie with James Cordon. [It's] terrible and I'm not sure if it's a spoof or serious but it makes for a funny viewing. Good jokes, too."
The one Miley massacred, not the single greatest thing to every come from France, which is the original version.
Basically, Miley Cyrus plays a school-aged girl who got cheated on over the summer, only to realise after it anyway she likes her best guy friend. He is a misunderstood musician - only the best kind of musician - who plays in a band called No Shampoo. Seriously, you can't make this sh*t up. Anywho, he loves music, his parents not so, and it's all very High School Musical-esque. They go on exchange to France and that's about all I can remember.
It's a great watch. If I didn't sell it well enough already.
Spice World (The Spice Girls movie)
This is like the earliest kind of reality show - where real people play out scripted events. Only this time, it was 1997, the Spice Girls and they tried to make it...funny.
Fifty Shades of Grey
No further comment.