Four weeks into The Bachelorette and one thing has become painstakingly clear.
Georgia Love needs to choose Matty J.
He just…adores her.
He’s funny, appears to be a genuinely good human, has great hair, grew up with sisters who dressed him up as a girl and as if that’s not enough, he is also particularly good at trapeze. He ticks all the boxes.
After a rough week with Sam and Rhys (two men applied for Survivor and somehow ended up on The Bachelorette, so awks) Georgia needed to spend some time with someone who a) knew who she was and b) somewhat valued her company. And Georgia just KNEW Matty J was the man for that.
They learned to dance, and Matty J tried really hard because he wanted to be good for Georgia. But it was what he said on the date that had me clutching my chest and groaning like I do when I see a cute puppy walking down the street. Here were some of the highlights:
"I kind of feel like I'm in trouble right now...I'm...man. I'm falling for Georgia big time."
"This is everything I've ever hoped for."
"I don't think you realise how unique and special you are. I've never met anyone like you."
"Literally from the moment I wake up, til the moment I go to bed, you're always on my mind. Like constantly. Which is frustrating at times, because I'm like GEORGIA GET OUT OF THERE."
"No one makes me laugh as much as you. You're ambitious and outgoing and you want to have fun, and then on top of that, you're amazingly beautiful as well. It's ridiculous and scary at the same time."
Omg stop it Matty J. But keep going...but stop. But seriously keep going.
Georgia cried because she was overwhelmed by how nice he was to her, especially after a series of guys whose attitude can be summarised as:
So - game over. Matty J wins. Georgia even says "You light up a room..." and then tells the camera "My parents said to me they want me to find someone who treats me like number one...And everything Matty is saying to me makes me feel like the only girl in the world", before breaking down in tears.
BUT NO. Not. So. Fast.
Enter f*cking Courtney.
Courtney was gifted the first impression rose, which meant he got to design an individual and group date for Georgia.
On the individual date, he took her scurfing. On a rainy, stormy day. Which I think all sane people will agree is a form of torture. And then he joked about sharks. And Georgia got (rightfully) very scared.
Then he organised go-carting. No one likes go-carting. And when he got to choose who got extra time with Georgia, he selected...look I can't even remember his name right now because he was so forgetful. But point is he didn't put his hand up.
A week later on another group date, Courtney THREW the challenge to ensure that Rhys got time with the woman he is meant to be interested in. He embarrassed poor Georgia in her Princess costume and it was all very sad.
But that's not all.
He is the first bachelor to be offered a second single date. When he received it, he looked uncomfortable and somewhat disappointed. He said he felt "vulnerable" and one of his competitors even said "you don't look happy". MATTY J WOULD HAVE WET HIS TIGHT LITTLE PANTS BY NOW.
He apologised to all the guys, basically insisting that for him, it will always be "bros over hoes".
He (reluctantly) goes on the date. Georgia tells the camera that "he does funny little things..." and "he's made me question things more than any of the other guys", which is always a good sign. Note: This is never a good sign.
She then takes him to a room surrounded by lions and presents a spiel about how serious she is about this, and how she really likes him, and she's said it so many times she feels like a "broken record" and "it's hard and scary to talk about your feelings", bla bla bla.
If it sounded like the ramblings of an extremely anxious woman, that would be because they were the ramblings of an extremely anxious woman.
She then asks him the ultimate question: "I've laid all my cards out on the table and just want to know if that's reciprocated basically."
This was Courtney's moment. Would he finally say how he feels?
NOPE. He kissed her. And asks "does that answer your question?"
Um. No. Not at all. That does not answer her question.
But Georgia has feelings in her lady parts when it comes to Courtney. Them dimples...that tan.
He is cool. He is sexy. But most of all, he is mysterious.
When the task was to write a love letter for her, he claimed he had "writer's block", and the finished product was one of the worst pieces of literature the Western World has ever seen.
If Matty J had to write a love letter, he would write a bloody 20,000 word thesis. And STILL have more to say.
As someone who has broken up with Matty J's, and dated far too many Courtney's, I'm begging you Georgia - please choose the good guy.
Perhaps it's a self esteem thing. For some of a us, whenever a guy seems smitten we think "Oh, goodness. What is wrong with him. He likes me. He must be weird. His taste is disconcerting. Abort mission immediately."
The Courtney's on the other hand are always slightly beyond our reach. There are always more questions. They intentionally keep us in a state of perpetual uncertainty.
But take it from a girl who has been heartbroken time after time by the Courtney's of the world, Georgia. This will not end well. I cannot help but get the sense that he will win, and then turn around and say "Eh, not that keen on a girlfriend at the moment tbh", while Matty J is crying alone in his bedroom watching The Notebook.
And guess what? The Courtney's are our fault. My fault, specifically. Every time we dump a Matty J and text a Courtney late at night, another Courtney emerges. And another one. UNTIL THERE ARE ONLY COURTNEY'S AND NO MATTY J'S LEFT.
Georgia. On behalf of women everywhere, we very much need you to restore the equilibrium.
Choose the good guy. A happy future looks like Matty J. A messy one looks like Courtney.