reality tv

"The four things I learnt after watching the wildest season of the US Bachelor."

I am not sure I should admit this on a public platform, but I have been experiencing Bachelor withdrawals lately.

Between The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and of course the Paradise edition, the franchise has felt like a permanent fixture in our prime-time viewing lineup for the past 5340 years.

But we’re currently in the midst of a reprieve.

And instead of using this precious time to regroup, and focus on shows that don’t involve questionable dating tactics, I found myself getting my fix from the American version of the popular show, and oh my soul.

We are so very, very tame.

Watch the trailer from the latest season of the American Bachelor. Post continues after video.

Video by ABC

Here are four takeaways I had from season 23 of The Bachelor US.

1. What the heck is a fantasy suite, and why don’t we get them?

On the US version they have sex. And not in a secret it ‘may or may not have happened’ kind of way like they allude to on the Australian series.

They have a room.

We know it’s happening.

We (the viewers and the cameras) sit outside and wait… so we can watch the Bachelor and his chosen sex partner have that all important post-coital convo.

I am shook.

Why are we so prudish about this in Australia? Surely we can have a fantasy suite too?

Osher, pls explain?

2. We see so much of their Bachelor and how he’s thinking/feeling/reacting.

Season 23 features Colton Underwood as the Bachelor.

US media has labelled his as the best and most dramatic season ever, so maybe I am just watching the crème de la crème.

However, what I’ve noticed is that Underwood, 26, actually tells the camera his genuine feelings towards the women. In our version, we get an inkling, but the Bachelor’s feelings are often kept somewhat in the dark until the final episode.

ADVERTISEMENT

Not so in the US version.

When it gets down to the final three, you hear Underwood openly use the L-word and not in the “I am falling in love” way we so often hear in the Australian version to keep the mystery alive.

“Cass is the one. I can definitely see us working forever. I just know for sure – I love Cassie. Point blank,” Underwood openly tells the camera.

DUDE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL THE FINAL EPISODE.

Not only is emotion talked about openly, but the Bachelor himself is immersed in the drama.

Bachelor
A bach just jumped the fence. What is going on. Image: ABC.

When Underwood gets rejected in the fantasy suite by his frontrunner, who he wanted to lose his virginity too (what a sentence), he proceeds to jump a fence in the middle of the night in outback Portugal, and the producers are forced to run after him through the scrub.

What the hell is going on?! I don't know nor care but I'm here for it.

3. The catfights... are truly insane.

The catfight I watched on the American season literally left me gobsmacked.

As is always the case, even on our seasons, there are two women who really, really don't like each other.

There is snarky melodramatic bitchiness and outbursts. But at the season's tell-all special, it went next level.

One woman accuses another woman of being the "bedbug" of the house, only slightly toning down her previous insult of labelling her the "cancer of the house".

ADVERTISEMENT

The other bachelorettes tells her she has the maturity of a three-year-old, and then one proceeds to walk across the room to forcibly shove a dummy in her mouth.

"Security!" screams the first woman, adding, "I should shove my heel down your throat."

Is this Jerry Springer or The Bachelor?

I AM SO CONFUSED.

4. Their endings hands down trump our endings.

We're lucky to get a proposal at the end of our seasons. Sam Frost got one (for about a millisecond).

But generally, our couples just decide to take their relationship into the real world. A proposal isn't really ever on the cards.

Cassie and Colton
This is Colton and his chosen girl Cassie after their breakup fight. Image: ABC.

But in the American version, they're shocked if they don't get a proposal. And even when they don't, the drama is dialled up.

In Underwood's season, he declares his love for one of his final three, Cassie, who rejects him (see earlier fence jump incident).

After this debacle, the other two women are sent packing and then Underwood embarks on a dramatic hometown visit to sweep Cassie off her feet and persuade her to be with him.

It's... a lot.

Catch up on the below while we wait somewhat patiently for the new Australian versions to drop:

00:00 / ???