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Foot juice and finger sucking: 8 of the most cringeworthy dates on The Bachelor 2019.

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We need to talk about the fact that the dates on this season of The Bachelor are… wack.

Bachelor Matt, you seems lovely, and you look great in glasses, but mate, please tell us the complete disregard for food safety guidelines and insistence on having very small baths are not 100 per cent down to you.

We ask Matt Agnew very important questions. Post continues below video.

Video by Mamamia

There’s been a serious lack of helicopters, spa pools and unnecessary games created by Osher and instead we’ve had to watch all of our favourite foods be destroyed and Matt say “sexual chemistry” approximately 12,000 times.

It’s been a weird season. So weird, in fact, we decided a definitive ranking of just how weird most of the dates have been was in order:

8. Nobody wants your foot juice.

On Abbie’s first single date, Matt explained that they’re going to “juice” citrus fruit with their feet and sir… no. No one should ever get their feet out in public/talk about their feet in public/mention they have feet in passing.

After they do some unnecessary fruit juicin’ Matt suggests that Abbie tastes the… “foot juice” and she… she… leans in.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap monique
ABBIE PLS.
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Matt says it's "touching" that she's willing to drink the juice from his dirty man feet. Please... no, get this off our screens.

7. Here comes the brides.

The Bachelor has more than one thing is common with Sister Wives but THIS ISN'T OKAY.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap monique abbie
"IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT JOB"

6. A definitive ranking of... each other.

Obviously I'm the most fun but I'm not going to yell at other less-fun people that they're not fun because that's not a fun thing to do and this is a truly terrible idea for a date.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap emma
"Remember that time I told everyone about the woof woof by the pool pool? That was FUN."
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5. Coffee scrubs and innuendo.

Matt and Kristen spoke about things other than China on their single date which was both surprising and welcomed. That is, until we realised that when not speaking Mandarin, Kristen speaks entirely in sexual innuendo and MOANING.

"From behind?"

"Where would you like me?"

"Ooooooooooooh."

"It feels good."

"Feel free to explore further."

"You've really put it in there."

*SPRAYS HOLY WATER*

A few additional issues:

  1. Doesn't this... hurt?
    the bachelor australia 2019 kristen
    IT BURNS.
  2. Where did this bucket come from and why is it necessary?
    the bachelor australia 2019 kristen
    You are literally right next to a body of water.
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4. That's not how you make a cake.

Cake is one of the greatest things on this earth and you two have no respect.

the bachelor australia 2019 chelsie
Cake deserves better.
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Most disturbing of all is that they hopped in the pool with cake batter and flour ALL OVER THEM. Nobody wants to swim around in that, and now images of them kissing while looking like this exist on the internet forever:

the bachelor australia 2019 chelsie
Did you not stop to think that some poor person is going to need to clean the pool after this?!

A quick rinse under the shower would've helped literally everyone.

3. CHOCOLATE IS CANCELLED.

I swear to God, if I ever hear the word 'aphrodisiac' ever again...

the bachelor australia 2019 recap sogand
NO THANK YOU PLS
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the bachelor australia 2019 recap sogand
NOPE

2. Hello yes, when are we having babies?

Imagine.

It's your second date with a guy - it's been going pretty well, but you're not 100 per cent down for telling him your plans for moving, marriage and babies on account of him also dating five other women and IT'S ONLY THE SECOND DATE CHILL.

the bachelor australia 2019 helena
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the bachelor australia 2019 helena
F*CK

Helena freaked out about this date because duh of course she did, it's not okay to force someone to answer all these intense questions on the spot with no prior discussion.

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Watching this made it seem like Matt was totally inflexible about his life plan and the women are just expected to mould themselves to fit. No compromise.

1. The IVF pearl.

The only explanation for Matt taking Helena on two truly horrific single dates is that he's just not that into her and wants to scare her into leaving.

Long before he asked her to please tell him the exact day, time and location she wants to get married and what names she has picked out for their 12 mini Matts, he actually uh... asked her to make a child with him.

Not a human child. It was a pearl child, whatever, but somehow that makes it even weirder.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap monique
NO.

"Before Helena and I get started on the baby making..." Matt said, then proceeded to say things such as "Opening up these lips a bit", "That's the hole I think I'm going to put it in", "Go hard, get in there", "Be a bit rough", "That was in, I think, it went in!" AND NO WE DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

At the end of the date he gifted her a pearl necklace, which in context was kind of like... "Here, wear these 30 babies around your neck".

NEVER. DO. THIS. AGAIN. MATTHEW.

Join us next week, when Matt will probably bath in a tub of brownie batter while quizzing the women on the top 10 baby names of 2019.

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