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Well, well, well.

We’ve made it.

Channel Ten was very sorry about that time they promised us a happy ending and then gave us a small member of the weasel family who talked about roosters a lot and chose precisely no one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So this time they gave us a Matt.

He talks about science a lot and wear glasses sometimes. Occasionally he humps an Abbie on the beach and it makes him feel good in his special place.

But most importantly, he's made Oshie believe in love again.

And tonight - during an unnecessary trip to South Africa - we'll find out whether Big Matt or Little Matt wins.

We open on Matt having a South African think.

Sometimes you have to make really big decisions while also being on safari.

Matt's friends Kate and Jason are here to love Chelsie and also... judge Abbie. Kate immediately says she'll be surprised if she sees Abbie here.

Then... Abbie arrives.

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Abbie tells Kate that she told Matt she loves him and Kate flips a table and yells out 'HORNBAG'

They go for a chat and Kate has no time for Abbie's bullsh*t.

When Abbie refuses to birth Matt's first born while on safari, Kate does a little storm off.

She then comes back and asks Abbie what she likes to do and Abbie says one time she went to a book club and mostly drank wine.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Matt walks Abbie out and Abbie says she's just going to have to "suck it for all it's worth"...

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PAUSE.

It's time for Matt's friends to meet literal science nerd angel that is Chelsie.

They LOVE her. But they'd just like her to... talk sometimes.

Kate and Jason tell Matt in no uncertain terms that he should choose Chelsie so he's probs going to choose... Abbie.

Ooooooh.

It's time for Matt and Abbie's final date.

Abbie says she hopes there's going to be some "dry humping" involved and sweetie, of course there will be.

They have a tree talk and Matt tells Abbie his friends are concerned about her age and Abbie says age is no barrier to Instagram followers and true.

They then get into a South African helicopter to see a crater and Matt's very excited pls.

Later, Matt and Abbie sit on a feelings couch and Abbie has a cry and tells Matt she loves him while Matt stares awkwardly at her neck and doesn't say anything in return.

Abbie tells Matt that it's between his head and his heart and doesn't even mention his Little Matt.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

PAUSE.

It's time for Chelsie's final date.

They go on safari because... South Africa and see some "horny" animals that live in a "bachelor herd".

They remind us of some people that we used to know...

Later, Chelsie and Matt get into a pool and talk about their feelings because this is The Bachelor and Osher is nothing if not predictable.

Ssssssssshhhhh.

It's time pls.

Matt has a waterhole think before getting ready for the big day.

He meets Osher underneath an unnecessary arch and a little bit of wee comes out for Oshie.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor finale. Post continues after podcast. 

Ooooohhhh.

The first car is arriving and SWEET JESUS it's... Chelsie.

WHERE BE KATE. WE NEED A KATE.

False alarm pls.

Oshie's done a sneaky sneak.

The second car arrives too and Abbie gets out. She walks towards the Osher and a little bit more wee comes out.

Then... she walks towards Matt.

Matt tells Abbie that Little Matt has been taking the wheel for awhile now and he's sorry bout that.

Abbie be... confused.

She asks Matt why and he can't give her an answer because he's on a show that requires him to specifically string along at least one woman before going on safari in South Africa.

Abbie does a storm off into the wilderness to probably yell at some unsuspecting lions and Matt does a cry.

In the limo, Abbie decides that maybe she doesn't even love Matt because she's not even upset and KATE WAS RIGHT PLS.

Sssssshhh.

Chelsie's approaching the unnecessary archway.

Matt tells Chelsie he loves her and gives her a ring. They kiss. It's pretty bloody perfect.

Behind a tree, in the distance, a single solitary tear runs down Oshie's cheek.

You deserved this, buddy.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 4: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 5: Matt Agnew just walked out of the mansion... twice.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 6: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 7: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER ABBIE.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 8: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 9: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 10: An intense group date leaves the mansion divided.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 11: OH SWEETIE NO. Abbie steals a date card at the cocktail party.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 12: Dear God, Abbie needs to... STOP.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 13: NO. Australia's collective heart just got stomped on.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 14: One woman tries to leave and Matt... won't let her.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 15: GOOD LORD, NO. Matt's about to make a huge mistake.

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