By ROSIE WATERLAND
So we open on the girls just casually hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just casually being cas – WAIT. WHAT? No we don’t. We open on the girls plucked, primped and glammed to the extreme because OH MY GLOB TONIGHT IS A TELL-ALL EPSISODE YOU GUYS.
And you know what that means… A WHOLE HOUR OF OSHER’S GLORIOUS HAIR SITTING ON A GLORIOUS VELVET ARMCHAIR STOP IT UNIVERSE MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS.
So, tonight is bascially an Osher sit-down with all the unlovable losers whom Bachie has systematically kicked off throughout the season. For whatever reason, he decided these are the girls he just couldn’t imagine going through life’s journey with. Something about the way they competed in the mechanical bull contest suggested to our Bachie that they just wouldn’t be good mothers and/or wives. Or maybe he spotted a lack of connection when he was forcing them to prove their cooking skills in the Bachie Bake-Off.
Whatever his reason, these are the girls Bachie booted. And putting each of them in a skin-tight bandage dress with Osher’s hair (in his swankiest suit) is beyond genius.
We’ll get back to regular recaps tomorrow night (HOME DATES WOOP WOOP). For now, here are the highlights from tonight’s ‘The Girls Tell All’ episode:
1. The set. Oh my glob, THE SET.
Here’s what I think happened: A member of the Honey Boo Boo family (let’s call her Dolly-May) saved up all her extra cash from the shifts she does at the local Burger King. Dolly-May then took that money and used it to pay for tuition at ‘The Classy As Shit School of Interior Design’. She then graduated, and somehow found herself hired by Channel Ten to decorate the sets of The Bachelor Australia. Maybe Sandra Sully had just had one too many boxes of wine that day. She does work with Tim Baily, so no judgement. However she got the job, Dolly-May approached it with absolute gusto. And tonight was her velvety candle masterpiece.
2. Osher’s very professional courtesy laughs.
A few of the girls got a tad confused this evening, and mistakenly considered themsleves to be witty and/or hilarious.
Osher, the consummate professional (#AustralianIdolNeverForget), was forced to laugh uproariously each time one of the ladies tried her hand at comedy.
And it was glorious:
3. Who the fuck is this?Whaaaaaa?
4. It looks like somebody finally told Diana the truth about Princess Diana.
Oh Diana. Who could forget your dream to have a life just like your royal namesake? We waited with baited breath every episode, deeply concerned at how you would handle the truth about how that fairytale actually ended. But it looks like somebody finally broke the news. Maybe you figured out the internet. Whatever happened, at least you stopped insisting on being called ‘Princess Diana’:
Osher: Diana. Or, should I call you Princess Diana?
Diana: Diana’s fine.“Seriously. You guys. I thought she was still just living in England.”