real life

Rosie Reviews: The girls that The Bachelor got rid of sure have a LOT to say.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

So we open on the girls just casually hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just casually being cas – WAIT. WHAT? No we don’t. We open on the girls plucked, primped and glammed to the extreme because OH MY GLOB TONIGHT IS A TELL-ALL EPSISODE YOU GUYS.

And you know what that means… A WHOLE HOUR OF OSHER’S GLORIOUS HAIR SITTING ON A GLORIOUS VELVET ARMCHAIR STOP IT UNIVERSE MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS.

So, tonight is bascially an Osher sit-down with all the unlovable losers whom Bachie has systematically kicked off throughout the season. For whatever reason, he decided these are the girls he just couldn’t imagine going through life’s journey with. Something about the way they competed in the mechanical bull contest suggested to our Bachie that they just wouldn’t be good mothers and/or wives. Or maybe he spotted a lack of connection when he was forcing them to prove their cooking skills in the Bachie Bake-Off.

Whatever his reason, these are the girls Bachie booted. And putting each of them in a skin-tight bandage dress with Osher’s hair (in his swankiest suit) is beyond genius.

We’ll get back to regular recaps tomorrow night (HOME DATES WOOP WOOP). For now, here are the highlights from tonight’s ‘The Girls Tell All’ episode:

1. The set. Oh my glob, THE SET.

Here’s what I think happened: A member of the Honey Boo Boo family (let’s call her Dolly-May) saved up all her extra cash from the shifts she does at the local Burger King. Dolly-May then took that money and used it to pay for tuition at ‘The Classy As Shit School of Interior Design’. She then graduated, and somehow found herself hired by Channel Ten to decorate the sets of The Bachelor Australia. Maybe Sandra Sully had just had one too many boxes of wine that day. She does work with Tim Baily, so no judgement. However she got the job, Dolly-May approached it with absolute gusto. And tonight was her velvety candle masterpiece.

2. Osher’s very professional courtesy laughs.

A few of the girls got a tad confused this evening, and mistakenly considered themsleves to be witty and/or hilarious.

Osher, the consummate professional (#AustralianIdolNeverForget), was forced to laugh uproariously each time one of the ladies tried her hand at comedy.

And it was glorious:

3. Who the fuck is this?

Whaaaaaa?

4. It looks like somebody finally told Diana the truth about Princess Diana.

Oh Diana. Who could forget your dream to have a life just like your royal namesake? We waited with baited breath every episode, deeply concerned at how you would handle the truth about how that fairytale actually ended. But it looks like somebody finally broke the news. Maybe you figured out the internet. Whatever happened, at least you stopped insisting on being called ‘Princess Diana’:

Osher: Diana. Or, should I call you Princess Diana?

Diana: Diana’s fine.

“Seriously. You guys. I thought she was still just living in England.”

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5. A whole segment on ‘The Others’ even though everybody has already forgotten that ‘The Others’ were ever a thing.

Oh yeah. Intruders came into the house. That was a thing.

6. Who the fuck is this?

Um…

7. QUEEN LAURINA

On being tricked into wearing a cocktail dress to a bowling alley:

“When we got to the bowling alley, I thought ‘why aren’t I in jeans? Like, I’ve got no underwear on with this dress.’ It was just completely awkward. IT put me out of my comfort zone.”

KAPOW!

On #DirtyStreetPie:

“It wasn’t that I can’t enjoy a pie. If I’m crazy-famished I’ll get one from th servo and eat it in the car. I can eat a pie. It was that I felt I was being tested in some way. And that hurt.”

KABLOOEY!

On why her relationship with Bachie didn’t work out:

“I think ultimately it was a good thing. We’re not compatible. He didnt’t get me. And I’d rather be with somebody who gets me.”

KAZOOPA!

8. Chantal being confused about what the word ‘phenomenal’ means.

Chantal: “This is a phenomenal way to find your husband.”

Hmmmm. Is it though?

9. Who the fuck is this?

Bachie’s sister maybe?

10. One of the curly-haired girls crying about her broken heart.

It was kind of sad but… C’mon now. You went on one date with him. And it was to an island off Sydney Harbour that he thought was Vanuatu. And he couldn’t tell the difference between you and that other curly-haired girl.

You’ll survive, Curly Hair #1.

11. We didn’t talk about Netball Girl’s ‘Netball Sophie’s Choice’.

What happened with the BIG NETBALL OPPORTUNITY?

Oh wait. I don’t give a fuck.

12. Osher thanked the girls “on behalf of the country”.

Oh Osher. Thanks for speaking so eloquently on behalf of us all.

And now, in a similar vein, please allow me to thank Nice ‘n’ Easy on behalf of not only your glorious hair, but every citizen of this great nation.

13. TOMORROW NIGHT THIS HAPPENS:

There are four girls left, and poor Bachie wants to keep all of them. But mean Sandra Sully won’t let him. Bachie brain no compute. Bachie cry:

THE RECAP WILL BE EPIC.

3 episodes to go…


Follow Rosie on Facebook right here. She posts funny things. (Also she is desperate for friends.)

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Final Episode

Episode 19

Episode 18

Episode 17

Episode 16

Episode 15

Episode 14

Episode 13

Episode 12

Episode 11

Episode 10

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.

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