Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TELL TWO PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM.

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Well, well, well. 

We've made it. 

After approximately 3483498 weeks of Locky dating all the women in the mansion PLUS all the women in the greater Perth area PLUS all the influencers on Instagram, it's time for him to decide who he will date for approximately 3-6 months before announcing their breakup in separate Instagram posts. 

Fun times! 

We open on Locky and his third nipple running through the Hunter Valley like there's a serial killer chasing them. 

IS THERE A BAD MAN BEHIND US?  

He has a cliff think and then says he'd really like to marry both women and yes sweetie, we know. 

Locky's mum arrives to meet the women, tbh she feels a bit ripped off that she didn't get a free trip to South Africa or even... Fiji. 

Bella and Irena arrive to meet Locky's mum... at the same time. Because... drama and also... gossip. 

Bella decides to bring up that time she accused Irena of making up hike-based lies and how they're not best friends anymore. 

Irena is not... impressed. 

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Locky's mum takes Bella for a chat and asks her whether she's really keen on her tall son. 

She decides Bella would be able to stand up to Locky. 

Next she takes Irena for a chat and decides she's very nice but will not be able to stand up to Locky. 

She tells Locky she likes them both and asks "can't you have them both" and suddenly the past few months make perfect sense. 

"YOUR INSTAGRAM GIRLFRIENDS WON'T MIND."  

It's time for Locky and Irena's final date. 

They go off-road driving because... adventures and... outdoor activities. 

Then they lie on a feelings blanket and Locky asks Irena whether she would be able to stand up to him. She says she'd tell him not to jump off a building in a moving car and that seems to... satisfy him.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

"HAS SHE EVER EVEN BEEN OUTDOORS?"  

Later, they sit in a dirty ole barrel of wine with some rose petals floating in it. Cool. 

Irena tells Locky that she be loving him and wanting to have his babies etc, etc. 

Irena cries to the camera and says her dreams never come true and SWEETIE WE'RE SO SORRY, there's been some... rumours. 

Back in the dirty barrel of wine, Locky is telling Irena that he's fallen in love with her when he still has at least one other girlfriend on the go.

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Speaking of which, it's time for Locky's final date with Bella. 

He takes her on a helicopter ride because adventure, outdoors, substituting activities for a real personality etc, etc. 

Once they're back on the ground, a personal orchestra starts playing for them and I feel like Irena got a little bit.... ripped off. 

"FML"  

The orchestra gets the f*ck out of there before Locky shows Bella a poem he possibly got tattooed on his arm (?) and then he tells her he FELL IN LOVE WITH HER ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT. 

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SIR STOP TELLING WOMEN YOU LOVE THEM. IT'S EMBARRASSING FOR YOU AND ALL YOUR ANCESTORS.

They get in a pool and kiss because the final dates always have to involve some kind of water because Osher said so. 

It's the next day and Locky is going for a white shorts walk. 

He's a bit nervous you see because he's told two women he loves them but all he wants is a chicken parmy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

The women are getting ready, and Locky is listing their pros and cons. 

Locky and his third nipple get all spruced up for his big decision and he looks at the ring he could possibly give two women in a couple of hours. 

Mum would be proud. 

The women are in the limos and they're both convinced Locky is going to choose them because of that one time he told them he had fallen in love with them. 

They're literally pulling up in the limos and Locky hasn't made his decision yet. 

He starts crying and saying he doesn't want to hurt anyone and sir, YOU'VE DONE F**KED UP. 

Locky is wearing a beige suit and doing a pace. The limos are driving towards him. 

The first limo arrives and Irena gets out. 

STREWTH. 

The second limo arrives and Bella gets out. 

Bella starts walking towards Locky. 

He starts bawling his eyes out and Bella has to comfort him. 

He tells Bella he meant what he said when he said he fell in love with her but he doesn't see them working because she wasn't willing to map out their adventure-based life together. 

Bella says "This is it?" and then straight up asks whether she can leave. 

"THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT" 

Irena starts walking towards Locky. He's still.... crying. 

Locky tells Irena he feels safe when he's with her despite the fact he's a very tall man. 

There's a brief moment where it looks like he's about to pull a Honey Badger and then Locky tells Irena he's so in love with her and he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with her. 

That's... nice. 

Irena seems... pleased. 

He puts the ring on her finger and says 'look at that bad boy' and then they live happily ever after in the Hunter Valley... or something like that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Somewhere... in the distance... Bella is still wondering WTF. 

UNTIL NEXT YEAR. 

Catch up on the rest of our recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 1: One woman has an epic meltdown about the colour of her... hair.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 2: An intruder arrives and the rest of the women COMPLETELY LOSE IT. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 3: A "sneaky" move at the cocktail party destroys a friendship.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 4: This show is becoming more ridiculous by the minute.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 5: These cocktail parties need to be... banned. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 6: Thank God a global pandemic is about to shut this show down. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 7: Locky just sent 50% of the drama home in a mass eviction.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 8: GOOD LORD, even during lockdown Roxi manages to storm off.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 9: An intruder causes both of Roxi's personalities to... lose it. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 10: Roxi just stormed off the show and precisely no one is surprised.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 11: Dear God, Bella needs to... STOP. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 12: Every single person on this show has... lost it.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 13: Precisely no one is impressed with Locky at the hometowns. 

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