Whenever I find myself doubting the existence of God, I remind myself women are not burdened with facial hair. Praise be. It’s bad enough having to maintain the hair on our heads, legs, in our armpits and around our bits. Imagine having the whole face thing to deal with also. I realize that a bit of downy fuzz on the upper lip is normal for many ladies, and we’ve all had a ‘What the fuck is that? A WHISKER?’ moment, but by and large, women do not have hairy faces like blokes do.
If women had beards, our world would be a different place. There would be facial hair salons. We’d carry around cards reminding us of our six-week moustache maintenance appointment. There would be an aisle at the supermarket for beard beauty products and we would compliment each other on how nicely our mutton chop sideburns are growing out. There would be colouring, curling, shaping and straightening implements. We’d wear our beards differently when on holiday.
Men rarely discuss their facial hair – unless they are just home from, say, walking the Kokoda track – a colleague might remark, ‘Geez, mate, you look like an armpit with teeth.’ But that’d be it.
Most men shave off their facial hair, even though they seem to hate shaving. There’s a widely held perception that beards are as hiding something (remnants of a taco? Criminal past?) Or it’s a sign of slovenliness – ‘Your great-grandfather managed to shave in the trenches at Gallipoli, you can too.’
The way I see it, men fall into 5 categories, facial-hairily speaking.
• Mr Gillette. This fella stars his day with a shave and expects others to do the same. On weekends and holidays he might let it go (grow) a little and he might occasionally be adventurous with the sideburns (Midge Ure anyone?) But generally the baby’s bottom is the look he’s after. Particularly if blessed with a cleft chin. Example: Patrick Dempsey, Brad Pitt.
Top Comments
Um, men don't discuss their facial hair??
I cannot tell you the number of conversations I have sat through with my boyfriend and his mates, where they've discussed plans for their facial hair. Honestly. They coordinate like women compare their outfits for a night out.
They are currently undergoing a 1-inch race... first one to get a beard that is officially 1 inch long, is a man-among-boys.
And the number of times he's gone off to a BBQ, and come home with a dirty Mexican paedophile moustache... again, countless.
Then of course there is Movember. Any excuse for a moe.
So yes, men do discuss their facial hair... a lot.
Some men look ok with a bit of designer stubble, but looking through the gallery I think all of them apart from Leonardo di Caprio look better without it. I really dislike beards.