real life

The 5 Most Stressful Things About Christmas

 

Tis the season to have a nervous breakdown. Seriously. There is no more stressful time of year and what makes it worse, I think, is how we’re all meant to be so ho bloody ho and filled with cheer. So without going all bah-humbug on you (I do love Christmas, mostly), I thought I’d take a moment to acknowledge some of un-jolly aspects of the silly season……

1. EXPECTING TOO MUCH

Here’s the thing: Christmas peaks around age 4-6. The excitement, the magic, the presents. The lack of responsibility. All you have to do is show up and open gifts. The rest of your life will be spent eating, drinking and incurring vast credit card debt to try and re-capture that elusive magic. You never will. I’m just saying.

2. PLAYING HAPPY FAMILIES

Blended families can be a wonderful thing. So can in-laws. No so much on December 25. The collision of geography, logistics and family politics is ugly. In many households, complex negotiations begin months out. ‘We went to your parents last year,” it goes. “This year we have to have lunch with my Mum and then drop in to see my Dad even though I can’t stand my step-mother’s son and his brats who never say thankyou.” Etc.

So much time in the car. So much turkey and beer in the stomach. So much reverting to dysfunctional childhood roles.

The only thing worse is having lost someone you love and feeling their loss even more acutely at Christmas. Are we having fun yet?

3. KEEPING SANTA ALIVE

Once your children reach a certain age, you have to work the Santa thing so much harder. Annoyingly, kids today are smarter than we were and begin questioning the viability of flying reindeer earlier than we did. However, there is a crucial grey zone between unflinching belief and knowing for sure Santa is bollocks.

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My parents, bless them, skipped the grey zone. I’m NOT AT ALL EMOTIONALLY SCARRED by this but I clearly remember the day Santa died. I was about 9, and for the first time on Christmas morning, there was no present from Santa under our tree. When I wondered why, my parents cheerfully replied, ‘Come on darling, no more Santa presents”. There were other gifts but I burst into tears and was inconsolable. Admittedly, I knew the idea of a bearded fat dude shimmying down our chimney was fairly outlandish but I wasn’t ready to have this confirmed. NOT DAMAGED THOUGH. NOT ME.

I have one friend whose Santa-Is-Real-Oh-Yes-He-Is! pantomime grows more elaborate every year as her children become more suspicious and she more desperate to keep the magic alive. Here’s how she tells it: “Kids over eight know if Santa’s stationary is actually from Mummy’s desk drawer. This means separate pen, separate paper and disguised handwriting.

Xmas Eve we leave milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. Once the kids are asleep, we wrap presents with ‘special’ paper (see above). Next, we nibble on the carrots and leave a trail of cookie and carrot crumbs from under the tree to the chimney. Outside, we leave reindeer prints – use a burnt match to replicate little reindeer prints outside on the path.”

Needless to say, all this is far more challenging when drunk so Christmas Eve parties are best avoided when your kids are small.

4. HAVING A DRINK WITH EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER MET

It starts in November: all those noises about ‘Getting together before Christmas”. Why? These are people I haven’t seen for months. Years sometimes. Why now? I used to panic about this and feel pressured by all the social threats. Then I realised you just make agreeable noises and nothing happens. The key is to be positive yet non-specific. Say: “Oh yes! Totally! We must have a drink!” while thinking “How about never? Is never good for you?”

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5. SPENDING UNTIL IT HURTS AND THEN SPENDING SOME MORE

The best Christmas shopping experience I ever had was wandering around Target at 11pm one night a few days before Christmas. I think this is because I was so sleepy. At all other times, there’s a feeling of white-knuckle panic as you dash around maniacally grabbing stuff. Any stuff. This feeling intensifies with 6pm on Christmas Eve looming large as some kind of ominous deadline. My thinking goes like this: “After 6pm, I’ll never again in my life be able to buy anything so I’d better purchase every item in the world right now.

This is despite the fact that even on Christmas day, convenience stores are now open. Then everywhere re-opens on Boxing Day, when everything in the world is cheaper.

There is a void in my brain where this logic lives and every year, I find myself stockpiling like a demented squirrel. Or one of those contestants on a game show where you have 60 seconds to fill your shopping trolley for free. Except it’s not free.

Recently, all this spending has been overlaid with a strong sense of guilt that we’re contributing to the destruction of the planet by buying and wrapping a bunch of unnecessary crap. Does the world really need more scented candles?

Ok, that’s my rant. And now that it’s off my chest, I’m actually looking forward to it

What are your favourite and least favourite things about the Silly Season? Do you relate to any of my most stressful bits?