On Saturday afternoon, my boyfriend decided it was the ideal time to mention that we were both invited to a very fancy birthday party. At 8pm. That evening.
Needless to say, I had nothing to wear. There’s an excellent Caitlin Moran quote I usually recite to myself in such situations:
“When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing here for who I’m supposed to be today.'”
But for this party, I literally had nothing to wear. Like actually nothing. It’s not that there wasn’t anything that suited who I wanted to be, it’s that there wasn’t anything at all.
For a fancy party, I definitely needed a dress. And I only have two dresses. One I had worn to the last fancy party, and the other I had worn to a fancy party years ago. But there were photos. Lots of photos.
It would be like one of these ladies re-wearing their iconic movie dresses. Except not at all, because I'm not famous, and my dress wasn't that memorable. But still.
CURSE YOU, FACEBOOK.
It was then, sulking in a pile of TERRIBLE clothes, that I had an epiphany. WHY isn't there an app for this? It's 2000 and GODDAM 16. We have an app for choosing baby names. We have an app that matches people based on the types of burritos they like. We have an app for logging your poop. Why isn't there a clothes-sharing app? Like Uber, but for clothes?
We need an app that's a mixture between eBay, Tinder and Uber. You create a profile and upload pictures of whichever clothes you're willing to lend. With sizes, obviously. Then, just as Uber tells you how far away your ride is, and Tinder presents you with profiles from within a certain radius, this app would show you which clothes-lenders were close.
And you could contact them, and pick up an outfit. Not tomorrow. Not in a few hours. But NOW. You'd then return it by a mutually agreed upon date.
Admittedly, my app knowledge is very limited, and there may very well be such an app. But I don't know about it. And let's be honest, if I don't know about it, it's probably not good enough.
This scene from The Internship is the perfect representation of my knowledge of apps. Post continues after video.
Upon sharing my (genius) idea this morning, I realised there are many Zuckerberg-esque app ideas within the Mamamia office. So here are some of the apps we'd like to see invented.
Okay, so that is a terrible name for an app. But we're not in the business of naming apps. We're in the business of inventing them.
Anyway, Create-A-Meal (Jesus, we really need to change that name) randomly generates a cuisine that you can cook or order online. Like Tinder, except instead of potential partners, you're shown potential cuisines. 'Thai'. Swipe. 'Italian'. Swipe. 'Vegetarian'. Swipe. 'Indian'. Swipe. 'Japanese'. OOOOO. Na, swipe.
No, you can't have both. You have to choose. The app says so.
Then you customise your choice. You choose if you want to cook or order online. If you press 'Cook', you're given a number of categories. Once you select one of those categories, the app generates a recipe. Yep - IT GENERATES A RECIPE. If you're lazy like me and press 'Order', it'll show you where the closest places are to order from. And connect you to Menu Log or Deliveroo or somewhere that will bring you your food.
No worries, Apple. That'll be one billion dollars.
Find My Bobby Pin.
Just like Find my iPhone, except for bobby pins.
We've all had enough of spending hundreds of...cents on bobby pins, only to lose them every single day. Where do they go?! Down the drain? In mysterious drawers? In-between lounge cushions?
Well fear no more. Because Find My Bobby Pin is designed to locate bobby pins all over your house. It's somehow programmed to detect the shape/structure/metal of a bobby pin, so it can show you where the bobby pins are located within your house.
It can get a little hard sometimes to keep up with the slang all the cool kids are using. For example, when they say 'I'm literally dying', should we be worried? Or is it their way of saying they're excited? Or happy?
You can be 'down with the lingo', like this cool cat.
Cool-Translate allows you to search slang and find it's meaning. 'Umm, that's just like Google,' I hear you say. Well no, it's not. Because Cool-Translate has additional features. For example, it's geographically and culturally sensitive, because certain phrases have different meanings in different places.
It also gives you a new cool-word every morning, so you learn what the cool kids are saying without even having to look for it. Oh, and it has examples of the use of slang in pop culture, so you'll know how to use it.
If you have a vagina, it's highly likely you're sick of hearing Mark Latham say things. Well, with Latham-Block (or Trump-Block - you can put as many blocks in place as you like), your phone will automatically block all Latham-related content for you.
Across all social media platforms, any time the words 'Mark Latham' appear, that post will become invisible. No pictures of him, no videos of him, and definitely no opinions from him. Can I get an ALLELUIA!
To be frank, in 2016, it's pretty unacceptable that these apps don't already exist. Women have been struggling with the ubiquitous bobby pin mystery for far too long. And it's utterly ridiculous that in the 21st century, there's not an app to help me through my dinner decisions from start to finish. What is this? The Middle Ages?
A clothes-sharing app is probably my biggest priority at the moment. Have I copped some criticism from friends and coworkers about it? Sure.
Some said, 'it already exists, there are heaps of clothes-sharing websites.' WELL A WEBSITE ISN'T AN APP, IS IT?
Others said, 'but clothes get ruined when you lend them to people.' NO THEY DON'T. And even if they do you're obviously getting paid for someone to rent your clothes, so you're probably ultimately at a surplus.
And you know what? I'm sure every great technological advancement was initially laughed at. When someone proposed Uber, the overwhelming response would have been, 'well that's what taxis are for.' HA. Not anymore.
Now, please excuse me while I pack my things and head to Silicon Valley, to find my people.