1 in 8 men reckon they could win a point against Serena Williams. Bill is one of them.

Bill wasn’t in the top tennis team at his Sydney private school.

He wasn’t in the second team either. He eventually made what he calls ‘the thirds’. Just.

At 29 years old, Bill hasn’t played tennis since school. He’s been very busy. Doing what, no one is quite sure.

Standing at six foot four, Bill likes to tell people how tall he is. He has an impressive wing span, he adds. He doesn’t go to the gym, but does own some weights. Bill chooses to omit the detail that he hasn’t touched them since the Summer of 2010.

He can’t run (bad knees) and tires very easily (a vegetarian who doesn’t eat enough protein).

But ask Bill if he could win a point against perhaps the greatest female tennis player of all time, Serena Williams, and he won’t take a breath before responding; “OBVIOUSLY”.



Sweetie, what?

This week a YouGov UK survey came out which found that one in eight men reckon if given the chance to play Serena Williams, they could win a point, and excuse me but are you aware that Serena is this woman?

serena williams
Just in case there was any confusion, we double checked and this is definitely Serena Williams. Image via Getty.

Serena has the sixth fastest women's serve in history, at 207.0 km/h. From hitting her racket to the ball landing in front of her opponent, the entire manoeuvre takes one third of a second. If Bill blinked because the sun was in his eyes he would have missed it.

The first thing Bill would do when confronted with that serve, if he had fully operational reflexes and wasn't a f*cking idiot, is get out of the goddamn way because that ball is going to really hurt when it hits you.

But, how does Bill see it?

"Of course I could return it!" he shouts. "That's ludicrous."

"My friend played tennis at a high level when we were at school and I remember returning his serve. That must've been faster than Serena's. He was 16 and the best in our whole entire school..."


Serena Williams, we salute you. Post continues below. 

Let's just conclude that Bill absolutely couldn't return Serena's serve, mostly because he'd have trouble even seeing it given the speed at which it's travelling.

His only hope would be Serena double faulting, which she wouldn't do, because she's playing an amateur who would struggle to return a donkey drop.

For the other half of the match, Bill insists, he would be serving, and, he says with a slow nod, "I have a pretty good serve". 


No you don't, Sir. You haven't hit a ball in a decade. 

"I reckon I could ace Serena," he remarks, his facial expression suggesting he isn't joking.

To be clear, the best female tennis players on the planet struggle to ace Serena. Novak Djokovic, the men's world number one, would be lucky to ace Serena. His fastest serve is 219 km/h, which, interestingly, isn't all that much faster than Serena's.

"What you're forgetting," Bill says, leaning back in his chair, "Is that my wing span allows a greater swing at the ball, and that's an advantage I have over Serena."

Excuse me while I find a photograph of Serena's arms.

serena williams
Hi sorry what was that about your wing span?
serena williams
Did you say that your arm span allows you more momentum? Is that what you said?
serena williams

No one is acing those arms, you fool.

Let's assume for a moment that Bill gets a serve, which is horrifically unlikely given his complete lack of skill. There is no world in which Serena isn't returning that frankly embarrassing shot and hitting it back. To the other side of the court. Which Bill can't make. Because he's flat footed and tired in his arms which sometimes struggle to close a car boot.

That would literally be the whole match. Bill trying to work out where the ball went, and when he discovers it running in the opposite direction because he doesn't want a bruise.

Listen to Serena Williams' No Filter interview with Mia Freedman. Post continues below. 

"Three sets! You think I couldn't get one point on Serena in three entire sets!" Bill says, flabbergasted.

Correct, Bill.

In the same way you're not scoring a goal against Christiano Ronaldo, hitting a better shot than Tiger Woods, or winning a round against Floyd Mayweather, you are no match, whatsoever, for Serena Williams.

But I would pay very, very good money to watch you try.