An open letter to everyone going to the Australian Open.

Dear Everyone Going To The Tennis,

First of all, I like you. You’re sporty, you’re fun, you’re there out of love (love, geddit? Tennis pun #1). Maybe you live in Melbourne and are making the most of it, or you’ve travelled here to sit in the crowd and whip your head from side-to-side. Either way, I like you.

Most of you. With one large, infuriating exception.

The people wearing tennis gear to watch the tennis.

What you doing, fool? Do you also wear football boots to the footy? Do you wear ballet tights to see Swan Lake? A saddle and stirrups to the Melbourne Cup?

I can’t figure it out. I can only assume that you are there, waiting in hope that a panicked announcement will come over the loudspeaker: “Ladies and Gentlemen. Quiet please. The Number 7 seed has called in sick, and Mr Federer needs someone to play against on the centre court. IS ANYONE WEARING TENNIS SHOES?”

Or, perhaps, you might think you’re more likely to get past security and into the locker rooms? I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch Nadal in the shower get ready for his match?!

Some people just take it all a little too seriously (clip via Fandango):

Maybe it’s because you just like to look as though you know tennis stuff. You walk around in sporty shorts and pulled-up socks, loudly saying words like “deuce” and “forty-love”. You know, the same kind of person who laughs extra loud at the cinema, so that everyone knows he understood the joke.

Perhaps you hope people will think you’re a famous tennis player from overseas, and line up for your autograph and bring you beers? Though, if you get caught drinking beer, your game is up (yee-ah? Tennis pun #2), because the good players rarely get drunk before a match.

Most likely, it’s because you like the fashion. I mean, who doesn’t like tennis gear, for both men and women? It’s comfortable. It’s fetching. Sometimes it rides up your ass-crack, but one swift flick with the handle of your tennis racquet and you’ll fix that problem. I can only hope, my Nike-clad friend, that you’ll find another optimistic person in breathable lycra, ready to be your perfect match (TP #3, I’m done, I’m done).

Happy spectating, everyone. And to all the people dressed in tennis clothes, secretly hoping you’ll get a chance to play – may luck be on your side so you get your big break. (Tennis pun #4. NOW I’m done.)

Sincerely,

Lucy G.
ATP World Ranking: 7,210,657,098.