Warning: This post contains details of suicide and may be distressing and difficult for some readers.
Videos of a teenager who was allegedly encouraged by his girlfriend to take his own life in 2014 have emerged, showing the teen discussing his social anxiety in the months before he died.
Conrad Roy III was 18 when he died by suicide, with prosecutors trying his girlfriend Michelle Carter for involuntary manslaughter after she inundated him with text messages before his death, consistently and persistently asking him when he would take is own life.
As part of the trial being heard at the Bristol County Juvenile Court, videos of Roy have emerged, in which the 18-year-old details the depths of his depression, his experience with social anxiety and his anguish about his struggle with mental health.
The videos – found on Roy’s computer – were recorded exactly a month before he died on July 12, 2014.
“I have a lot going for me,” he said in a video recorded on June 12. “I just have to get the cobwebs out.”
“What I am doing is looking at myself so negatively, looking at myself… this minuscule little particle on the face of this earth, this no-good trash, will never be successful, never have a life, never have kids, never learn. But I have a lot to offer someone,” he added.
“I’m introverted, I’m nice and caring … there’s some benefits. I’m a nice kid. But its come to a point where I’m just … too nice.”
Buzzfeed News reports prosecutors believe a then 17-year-old Carter asked Roy when he was going to kill himself more than 40 times over the course of their relationship.
In a text exchange shown to the court, Carter is seen asking her boyfriend “how bad [he] wants it” and “when” he was going to “do it”.
CARTER: “Well are you gonna do it tonight or not?”
CARTER: “Well, it’s getting late. Let me know when. I don’t want to fall asleep. You have to do it soon though if you don’t want anyone to find you in the morning.”
CARTER: “Are you gonna do it tonight?
ROY: “I’m gonna try.”
CARTER: “How hard are you gonna try?”
ROY: “How was ur day?”
CARTER: “When are you doing it?”
ROY: “What if the suffocation doesn’t work?”
CARTER: “Well how bad do you want it? Because if you want it bad, you should succeed.”
CARTER: “I thought you really wanted to die but apparently you don’t. I feel played and just stupid.”
CARTER: “I still don’t think ur gonna do this so you have to prove me wrong.”
According to ABC News, the court heard in the days and months after he boyfriend’s death, Carter messaged classmates saying she “blamed” herself for what had happened.
“I do blame myself, it’s my fault. I was talking to him while he killed himself,” she texted a classmate on July 14, two days after his death.
In September, she texted a classmate and said "his death was [her] fault."
"I could’ve stopped him," the text read. “I couldn’t have him live the way he was living anymore," Carter texted the classmate. "I started giving up because nothing I did was helping, but I should’ve tried harder..."
News Corp reports that in the lead-up to Roy's death, Carter even suggested various methods of suicide in a dot-point list.
Before the trial began, Carter waived her right to a jury trial, meaning her fate will be decided by a judge, The Boston Globe reports.
If convicted Carter could face 20 years in prison.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a mental illness, call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636.