We need to discuss a matter of national significance.
You see, on Saturday everyone’s favourite Bachelor in Paradise couple, Sam Cochrane and Tara Pavlovic, announced they had broken up.
What followed was a wave of national mourning.
The hashtag #PutYourMangoDaquairisOut began trending.
People started slathering fake tan on their pale, wintery bodies, then they gathered around their local pools to discuss their feelings.
If you listen really carefully you can still hear the distressed screams of ‘What about the banter?’ echoing through the city streets.
The only silver lining from the breakup was Sam and Tara’s insistence that it was a mutual decision and that nothing scandalous had happened.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
Now there’s a sign that things aren’t all mango daiquiris and chats by the pool.
Last night, a mere two days after the announcement, Tara deleted all the photos of Sam from her Instagram.
ALL. OF. THEM.
On further investigation we found that Sam still has photos of Tara on his profile.
So, there’s definitely something fishy going on.
Here are our very well-researched theories:
- Tara just decided she wanted a clean break.
- Sam cheated on her.
- Tara’s decided to move back to Fiji.
- Sam told her he didn’t actually like mango daiquiris so she had to break up with him… immediately.
- Florence is holding her hostage in her basement.
- Tara is replacing Ali as The Bachelorette.
- They both realised meeting their future spouse on reality TV is… silly.
- Sam turned around and Tara realised he had a man bun.
- Sam left Tara for Jarrod’s pot plant.
- They were finally released from their contract.
- It was her or the bun… he choose the bun.
- Osher couldn’t be their celebrant so they thought it wasn’t worth it.
- Keira’s been stirrin’ some sh*t up.
- The mango daiquiris wore off and they realised they just didn’t like each other that much.
- They’re actually both engaged to Leah.
- They spoke to Mack once and now he thinks they’re in love with him, so they had to go incognito.
- Dan Murphy’s ran out of mango daiquiri supplies and they just didn’t have connection without their favourite drink.