Dear Tampons. I'm breaking up with you.

From: Loani Arman (funny.lady.bits@gmail.com)

Sent: Weds, 12 August 2015 2:57:15 PM

To: Tampons (period.nation@gmail.com)

Dear Tampons,

It’s time to break up.

I remember the first time we met. It was the 90’s, I was 11, and my mood ring had turned a miserable shade of grey because I had just gotten my first period. My Mum handed me a huge box of you, and after some trial and a lot of error, I finally worked you out… or so I thought!

I had seen the ads and thought that by using you, I would spend my period days dancing around in a white dress or riding a horse on the beach – no red stains in sight! I would look like a model, have really attractive friends and a gorgeous boyfriend, and be laughing so much that PMS wouldn’t dare come near me. My period would be fun with you by my side!

Of course, I soon realised that periods are about as fun as having teeth pulled and that you could never ‘cure’ me of menstruation.

How much blood do you actually lose during periods? We’ve got you covered.

There was nothing that you, or your friends Pads and Panty Liners, could do to stop the bleeding or slam the brakes on the emotional roller coaster that I would ride every month. You could never convince me that I didn’t look like a bloated whale or a pre-pubescent teen with a zit explosion. You could never ease the headaches, the heart aches, the back aches, the womb aches, or the ‘my entire body has been stuffed inside a blender and is now collapsing out of itself’ aches.

What you could do though, was keep me clean and healthy, and help me fight the war against stains.

For over 20 years, you have been by my side: storing yourself in my handbag, my bathroom, my spare bathroom, my Mum’s bathroom, my gym bag, my fridge, my boyfriend’s car, and my work desk. We’ve been to Mexico, Indonesia, Guatemala, New Zealand, Japan, Dubbo and Gosford together, and you were even there when I got engaged.

I have always thought of you as essential, necessary and crucial to making my period manageable.

But, I was wrong.

You’ve been deceiving me, Tampons. You’re not essential at all. You’re not necessary, and it turns out, I don’t need you.

I know about the “Tampon Tax”. I read the papers and I know that there’s a 10% GST applied to every purchase of sanitary products in this country.

Some of the absolute best photos from the Tampon Tax revolt. (Post continues after gallery.)

If it weren’t for the Australian Government looking out for the women of this country, then I never would have been told that sanitary products aren’t essential!

Sanitary products are a luxury, just like menstruation, reproductive health and being a woman. Silly me for believing that women were key players in the procreation of the human race.

My heart is breaking at the thought of having to dispose of you but at least I have condoms, lubricant and nicotine patches to comfort me. Those products don’t have GST applied to them, so I know they’re essential to my life.

I’m not sure what I’ll use to manage my period now, though. I did consider stuffing entire rolls of toilet paper into my undies, but then I found out that toilet paper is a luxury product too. Duh.

In Sierra Leone, where many women and girls don’t have access to adequate and affordable sanitary protection, they resort to using old rags and leaves and tree bark during their period, so I could always try that. I doubt the Australian Government has taxed bark… yet.

There’s nothing left to say now but goodbye, Tampons. I’m not sure if we’ll ever meet again, but you’re probably too busy living a life of luxury in someone else’s vagina to care.

Loani

Are you going to “break up” with your tampon? What do you think of the Tampon Tax?

If you want to read more on tampons (and it will definitely make you laugh), we’ve got plenty for you…

VIDEO: What happens when a tampon gets ‘lost’ inside you.

Giant tampons have been protesting on the lawns of Parliament House.

Exactly how much you would save if the “tampon tax” was abolished.

LOANI ARMAN is a comedian and writer whose new show “Loani Arman: Period” will be featuring in the Melbourne Fringe Festival from Sept 26, and is supported by Tsuno. Never one to play things safe, in 2014, Loani became Sydney Fringe Comedy’s first ever heavily pregnant comedian with her show “ULTRA-UN-SOUND”. She won Best Actress at Tropfest New York for “The Picnic”; has appeared in the ABC comedies “Elegant Gentleman’s Guide To Knife Fighting” and “Laid” and earlier this year, produced and performed in the all-female stand-up show, “LADY BITS”, at Sydney Comedy Festival. You can check out Loani’s stand up and writing on facebook.com/loaniarman ; twitter @loani_arman ; or read her weekly “Period Pieces” on LipMag.com

“Just when you thought women couldn’t get any funnier, Loani Arman brought the house down” – The Music
“Smashes the myth that women aren’t funny” – ArtsHub
“Perfectly timed stand up” – Sydney Arts Guide

This post was originally published on Lip Mag.

For more like this:

Why I ran a marathon on my period, without a pad or tampon.

Giant tampons have been protesting on the lawns of Parliament House.

We need to axe the ‘tampon tax’. Because a tampon is not a bloody luxury item.