Before I had kids, I asked a few friends what parenting was like.
As much as I love the friends that I spoke to, five days after the birth of my first child, I was ready to sever my friendships with those people. Had my vagina not been held together by so many stitches that I couldn’t even sit to drive, I would’ve also gone over to their houses to tell them to their faces.
Because they didn’t. Tell. Me. Anything.
Watch: Be a good mum. Post continues below.
I mean, they told me everything… except the actual stuff that you need to know about having kids. So, just in case you potential future mamas or papas are currently weighing up your decision, here’s what you need to know. Actually.
1. Whatever your current salary is, it won’t be enough.
As soon as you give birth, the giant gaping hole that your baby has left in your uterus will transfer itself to your bank accounts. True story.
So, budget. Do the math. And stop watching episodes of Teen Mom UK or you’ll lure yourself into a false sense of security that convinces you that kids cost nothing and you can raise five of them in a caravan on your parents’ front lawn.
2. Your plants will thrive.
No, really, they will.
Every other aspect of your life will be so far out of your control that you will remember to water your monstera when its soil is completely dry and your blueberry bush when its soil is well drained. And as a result, they’ll thrive (probably the only aspect of your life that will – heads up).
3. Baby poo REALLY smells.
It can smell like chicken cacciatore, crossed with lasts night’s rogan josh that has just repeated on you, crossed with that lone piece of watermelon that’s been sitting at the back of your fridge for the last 19 days and has started fermenting.
Breast fed. Formula fed. Mixed.