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Survivor Australia finale recap: We need to talk about that immunity challenge.

Welcome to the Survivor Australia finale recap, which I should’ve probably titled ‘Does Kristie manage to pull off the least likely immunity challenge victory in history and make us all look like DANG FOOLS, or does Lee win like we’ve all suspected since approximately five minutes into episode one?’

OH YES! Somehow, on nothing more than rice and beans, we’ve reached the finale of  The Biggest Loser on crack Survivor, and our Samoan island captives are looking skinnier and back-stabbier than ever.

We’ve got Kristie, the ~kooky outcast~ who insists on wearing her hair in plaits and may or may not have a mega crush on Lee.

Plait-tastic.

We've got El, the kickass army lady who wants to make a tribe of superhuman survivor babies with Lee.

And we've got Lee, the ex-cricketer dude who most definitely wants to make babies with El and is probably not crushing on Kristie.

And, as always, we've got Jonathan LaPaglia Jono's bicep veins.

I hear that staring directly at the veins is kinda like looking directly at a solar eclipse.

We've even got dramatic AF music and an emotional montage of ex-contestants that nobody really gives a flying jeff about.

Who... who are this?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Lee and El talk about how they wanna win the $500,000 prize so they can FINALLY start their baby colony, while Kristie says bloomin' obvious things like "the odds are not in my favour", making the evicted contestants audibly groan all the way from The Jury Villa.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T BLOODY HAVE THE ODDS IN YOUR FAVOUR, KRISTIE. WE COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT TWO TRIBAL COUNCILS AGO.

Kristie, if you didn't realise that you're royally fucked until now, I have grave concerns about your grasp of probability. (Taking two people who are practically married into the final three with you isn't smart... even bloody Model Rohan knows that.)

Anyway, the group are meeting their loved ones and it's tres emotional and there's lots of hugging and more wistful music. "Family is everything to me" is said approximately 1897 times. Lee's forehead begins to look like Jono's biceps.

Emotional forehead vein bulge = so much emotion = guaranteed ratings boost.

Jono announces what the final torture challenge will entail, which is basically standing on a series of posts.

And yes, it's as boring as it looks.

We want a jigsaw puzzle, and we want it now.

It's totes a challenge that Kristie *could* win, if she was good at challenges... which sadly, she is not.

P.S. The producers reaaaaaaally want us to know that BIG WAVES are crashing and this is a BIG MOMENT because BIG WAVES ARE EVERYWHERE. So I'll give the waves a few cursory shout outs.

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HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS LOOK AT THESE BIG ASS WAVES.
Wave-alicious.
Sooooo ~~~~wavey~~~~ baby.

TBH, the waves aren't enough to make up for the fact that the contestants have been standing on these poles for SIX FUCKING HOURS. At this point, I'm expecting Jono to come out wielding two Nutella donuts, which would surely speed the whole process up.

OKAY OKAY OKAY, El is down, I repeat: El is down. It's just Kristie and Lee left. If Kristie wins this I swear to god I will sacrifice my ovaries and begin living a new humble life in Peru.

So Kristie is legit begging for her life and I swear I can't take it. My little soul is dying because she's crying and pleaaaading with Lee to drop out and let her win. She even promises to take him to the end if he does. There are tears and talk of Kristie's eight-year-old dream. There's even a running theme that Lee is just like Kristie's dad who I thought must have died but is sitting just over there.

Holy fucking shit I can't do it. I think I've stopped breathing. I CAN'T DO IT.

Begging your fellow contestant to bow the fuck out after standing on a pole for six-and-a-half hours may or may not be the best tactical decision anyone has ever made in the game. I don't know if I'm mad or just bloody impressed.

AND THEN LEE STUMBLES AND LOSES AND OH MY GOD I FEEL SO CONFUSED I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.

WAS THAT A FALL?! OR DID HE STEP DOWN?! WHAT THE BLOODY FLOOPING FLOOP JUST HAPPENED?!

I DON'T THINK I CAN UN-CAPSLOCK EVER AGAIN.

Holy shit. Kristie won. She actually won. I'm pretty sure the odds of this happening were so low it's more likely Jono's bicep vein would've won that.

Kristie's dad who isn't dead carries her away and suddenly I feel like I'm watching an eerie biblical scene.

Is that... a cross... in the background?

Oh god, it's tribal council time where Kristie is definitely picking Lee, her crush, and definitely not picking El, her crush's girlfriend. I cannot WAIT to see the ex- contestant's faces.

Everyone looks like they've sucked on a lemon upon seeing Kristie's immunity necklace and are maybe a teensy bit upset they underestimated the game's biggest underdog. Meanwhile, my gal Kristie looks like a chuffed dark overload:

Sucked IN, mother loverrrrrrrs!

She picks Lee. Because, um, you know, she was always gonna pick him and this may or may not be the least interesting tribal council we've seen in the last twelve weeks.

There are copious filler shots of bodies of water and pensive thinking and Lee's fave buzz words like "trust" and "respect" and suddenly WE'RE BACK and ready for the final tribal council.

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Eff. Yes.

Lee says everything you'd expect him to say and is perfectly vanilla and whatevz.

I really like trust, and respect, and dignity, and trust... and respect.

Kristie suddenly sounds like the world's most menacing lady boss and epically slams the jury with words of cold hard truth.

She even does a maniacal cackle, and it's so brilliant I think I just fell in love.

"I've proven that every single odd can be stacked against you, but if you keep going and you're determined you will make it to the end."

YASSSSSSSS GURL. SLAY.

I look down on each and every one of you idiots.

It's time for the ex-contestants to relentlessly throw shade at Kooky Kristie and Trusty Lee because, let's be real, they're all totes salty they got eliminated in the first place.

JL is upset Lee said she was only there for the $500,000 which - um - is kinda the reason I thought everyone went on this show... But apparently, it's about inner growth or some bullshit.

But is inner growth worth half a mil? Nope. I didn't think so.

Can we also talk about how babin' Sue looks please?

Babe. Town.

There's heaps of talk about boring stuff like honesty and courage and integrity and HOLY GOK'S FASHION FIX JUST GET TO THE VOTING ALREADY.

Okay. They voted. And the contestants' loved ones and here and Lee's kid thinks he looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi. I definitely see what he's talking about.

But everyone shut up - the vote counting has started, and we're split at one each. BUT WAIT. It quickly stretches out to 3-1 in Kristy's favour, then 4-1....

Holy shitballs our quiet dark overlord lady boss is about to win this whole bloody thing.

Oh my fucking fuck sticks. Kristie just won in a complete and total landslide. Nine votes to ONE.

I do not know, Kristie... I do NOT KNOW.

I'm seeing spots everywhere. I can't feel my face.

I think I need to lie down.

Kristie just.... bamboozled us, you guys. She bamboozled us.

You've won this round, Survivor. Until next season.

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