You may think you like Christmas, but you’d be wrong.
Sure, families are great, so is food, the key to both though is small doses.
Christmas day with extended family is typically both a boozy affair and an emotional minefield.
Which is why you need a plan. A good one.
A way to get in and out, fed, hugged and remembered fondly with no hurt feelings, no weird mid-evening hangover and no regrets.
We’ve got you covered.
1. Scope out a good hiding spot.
Find a safe zone on entry. A quiet bedroom, an upstairs bathroom, a patch of grass hidden by bushes. You’re after somewhere out of sight, where your relatives aren’t going to go. Remember: this is your oasis.
2. Drink, but don’t let it compromise your exit strategy.
Drinking at Christmas can be a great way to suppress emotional trauma, put yourself at ease and increase your susceptibility to bad jokes made by relatives.
“What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?”
I hear that, Santa. I hear that. The trick is drinking just enough to leverage maximum Christmas cheer, ie. enough to make you enjoy wearing a festive paper hat on or hug one of your cousins (not the weird one). Just don’t forget: you need to be lucid enough to make it out of there.
Which brings me to point three…
3. Have an exit strategy.
How are you getting home? Uber? Taxi? If you are driving, DO NOT drink too much. The last thing you want is to get stuck sobering up with the hangers on.
Having somewhere to be is great. Make plans with your friends, this will give you chance to both debrief and actually get merry.
(Go home and catch up on your Netflix.)
4. Keep it light, conversation-wise.
Alright you’re doing it: mingling. Keep things simple by not indulging in topics likely to start fights with regressive relatives.
Yes, that was racist. But look, a fluffy dog!
Oh god, that was certainly classist. The weather is looking good though, isn’t it?
No, no, you’re not a lesbian. Yes, yes, you are wearing overalls.
No, that does not mean you are a lesbian.
Look, you might be a lesbian.
Frankly, is it really any of your business if I am lesbian?