1. Baby poo smells insanely bad.
I understand if you’ve eaten two kebabs or a possum off the highway, but how does baby poo smell so bad? At the start they just drink milk. Then they eat fruit and very occasionally eat meat. You could honestly use the nappy bin to torture someone.
2. Peppa Pig is now “must watch TV”.
While child-free folk are watching True Detective or The Walking Dead, I’m watching hours of a badly drawn pig cry because it’s raining and she can’t go to the park. In fact, Peppa Pig was probably more interesting than True Detective Season 2.
3. Your kid will always laugh at your jokes.
Being a comedian I want people to laugh with me. Unfortunately, I get a fair amount of silence when I’m at stand-up. However, every time I do my bad Woody Allen impression my kid laughs. Every funny face gets a giggle. Surely that’s better than being on The Tonight Show*. *Jimmy Fallon, if you’re reading, I’d LOVE to be a guest on your show. I’ll do whatever game/gimmick you like. I have no shame. I’ll even Lip Sync Battle to My Heart Will Always Go On.
4. Babies are tiny and can’t do anything.
When our daughter was born it was the best day of my life. It was incredible. But I was struck by how small new babies are. Our daughter was tiny and she just chilled out, looked at us for a bit, had a feed and then went back to sleep.
I guess it’s kind of like me when I’m watching Friday night football, except newborn babies don’t eat an entire Mexican pizza in one sitting and drink ridiculously overpriced imported beer.
5. You see a mini-version of yourself change everyday.
This is probably the best part of being a parent because you can actually see someone develop behaviours right before your eyes. It's even funnier when you see your partner's behaviours in your kid. The way my kid enthusiastically shouts "Yeah!!" is just like my wife. The way she chills out on the couch is exactly like me. It's awesome.
6. "Wait til you change 1000 nappies..."
I received this comment from a friend who has two kids after I told her that "I didn't mind changing nappies" and I thought it was kind of "cute". At that point I'd changed about four nappies. I must be getting close to 1000 mark because it sure as hell ain't cute anymore.
7. It's called a teat, not a nozzle.
I always thought the sucker things on baby bottles were called nozzles. Turns out they’re called teats. This particular revelation came to me when I was minding our daughter for the first time and I couldn't get the teat/nozzle to fit around the rim of the bottle.
I called my wife in a panic: "GET HOME NOW!! THE NOZZLE IS F*CKED!" My daughter screamed for the best part of an hour. My wife was only at the local doctor’s. At least I know what a teat is now.
8. Watching my wife care for our daughter makes me love my wife more than I could possibly imagine.
There’s honestly nothing better than watching my wife care for our daughter. My wife is always doing new and different things with our daughter: baking cupcakes, playing dress ups or just staring at clouds and giving them funny names. It’s awesome watching her become a great mother. It shows a whole dimension to my wife that I would never have seen. I’m lucky to be here and see my wife become a great mother. I want to also give a shout out to all the single parents out there. You guys are seriously amazing. You’re better than Batman and Superman combined. You’re better than Satman.
9. You’ll literally take thousands of photos of your kid.
I used to hate taking photos. I’d only take grumpy selfies, aka ‘grelfies’, because I hated how everyone would do a duckface and put it on Facebook. My wife asked me what happened in my life before we got together 10 years ago and I honestly don’t remember because I used to hate taking photos.
Now, iPhoto has 5708 photos. Thousands of photos of my daughter, Emmy. There are even a few photos of hamburgers I’ve eaten. I guess I’ve got a good reason to take photos and record what goes on in my life. But I still take the occasional grelfie. (Post continues after gallery.)
10. Everything changes and that’s okay
The biggest adjustment that comes with being a new father is realising that hanging out at the pub, going to concerts, footy games and even the movies is now a rarity. Basically, your old life dies.
At first, it was a real shock to the system and I’m sure this wasn’t easy on my wife. I was trying to juggle a day job, see friends, make it as a (not very good) comedian and be a first-time father. I was being ridiculous because the whole becoming a father thing hadn’t fully sunk in.
But as my daughter grows older, I think I’m growing up, too. Becoming a father has made me want to be a better person. I’ve come to realise that I can’t spend hours socialising or doing overtime at work because I want to be at home with my kid. I still get out occasionally and that’s great, but the time I spend at home is truly ‘the time of my life’.
What did you learn as a first time parent?