“Oh nah, I’m straight, I just like playing around with guys sometimes.”
A couple of months ago, a month or so out of a relationship, I returned to that great African savannah of sexuality otherwise known as Grindr. Perhaps a gay friend has shown you it. It’s like Tinder for gay men, though while at times the approaches come with a directness, and obnoxiousness that would make Donald Trump blush.
I was once asked out of the blue “Would you please do a poo on me NOW.”
Lordy, lordy. For the record, in the same way that some guys on Tinder are friggin horrible, gay platforms like Grindr can be as unpleasant or as rewarding as you make them. I’ve met multiple long-term partners boyfriends on there, and most of the chaps on there are relatively civilised, of course the gentleman don’t stand out as much as those who puts their kinks on display and ask you to share your breakfast with them at dinner time.
I digress. I’d been chatting to a gentleman, let’s call him David, for a few weeks and we resolved to catch up. We did catch up and had a perfectly pleasant and mutually satisfying meet up at his apartment. Until, that is, we were chatting afterwards and I asked him something inane like “Do you do this often?” and he said:
David: “Oh no, I have a girlfriend.”
Me: “Oh…So are you bi, or what?”
David: “Oh nah, I’m straight, I just like playing around with guys sometimes.”
Me: “And you didn’t think about telling me that you had girlfriend?”
At this point his main response was a bemused smirk.
Allow me to utilise my gay man spirit animal, Star Trek’s George Takei to express how this felt:
As I left I quipped “Say hello to your girlfriend for me.” and he replied “Whatever, mate.”
Where, oh where to begin. First things first, I want to be clear, I have nothing against straight guys. They’re perfectly lovely people. Some of my best friends are straight guys. But being used to facilitate someone else’s sexual adventure isn’t a pleasant feeling. I am not your gay bungie-jump cord, your white water raft, if you will, your… oh too far already? Okay. There’s this idea that gay guys are all secretly frothing at the mouth for those hot straight dudes and sure, there’s a few straight guys EVERYONE (even straight guys) would love some pash time with Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, Jon Hamm, Arnie Hammer, etc.