The wheeze. The whistle. The snort. It’s 3am and the house is otherwise silent but all I can think is OH GOD THE NOISE THE BLOODY NOISE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP SNORING!!!

And oh, do I want to lay the screeching blame. Snoring comes in many forms – and I feel like I know them intimately. Sleep deprived snoring. Half-winded snoring. Wine and cheese snoring. Snoring that sounds like a freight train. Snoring that sounds like death is on approach.

Trouble is, dry morning mouth suggests I – like 45 per cent of people – might be doing it too.

So how do you MAKE IT STOP???

UK group Sleep Matters  made this guide. It might save you – and me – a lot of grief:

. How do you stop snoring?