Warning: This post deals with stillbirth and pregnancy loss and may be triggering for some readers.
I’ve written this post at least 4 times and have let it sit for at least 4 months. Why haven’t I shared my son’s photos online? Honestly? I am scared.
I am scared my son will be judged and I will be judged. I am scared of what people may think of me and him. I have worked in social media for years now and I know how it works. The internet can be harsh and placing my son at the mercy of trolls is my biggest fear.
I am protective. I don’t want anyone to judge him, make their own opinions of our loss, or worst of all, brush him off as nothing. My fears even extend to the extreme that someone could take my son’s photo to use for their own political agenda. I have read several accounts of baby photos being stolen online and incorrectly labeled as an abortion to push pro life platforms.
If my son’s photos are ever taken and used without my permission, I will Liam Neeson your ass and hunt you down myself. You have been warned.
Miscarriage and stillbirth are taboo subjects, so naturally photographing your dead child is taboo.
One of the first questions we were asked in the hospital when I was waiting to be induced, was if we would like any photos of our child and if we wanted to hold our child. Without hesitation and explanation, I immediately said “no.”
I hadn’t thought about this before. A few years ago I came across a Facebook post with someone who had posted their stillborn child’s photo. I remembered thinking ‘how morbid’ and I kept scrolling. If I only knew back then what I knew now.
The thought of holding my dead child and having photos of him scared me. I wasn’t strong enough to see that. The logical side of me thought I would never look at these photos. It’s morbid and painful, I can’t subject myself to this. My conclusions I came up with were strictly to protect myself and made out of fear.