You’re now divorced and have become involved with a new man and he has kids. Many women find themselves wanting to be considered the “new mum” and be called “mum” when they become involved or marry someone with children from a previous marriage.
Here are 7 reasons along with the “reality check” of why thinking you can be the “new mum” is not helpful and ways to maintain respect and dignity for your new family.
1. It sets up competition between you and the child’s mum creating tension and jealousy leaving the child or children in the middle.
Reality Check: The child and bio mum is always going to be the priority. It is a cliché but true, blood runs thicker. Give up the resistance that she is their mum and avoid competing for the title, ultimately the child will respect you more and appreciate who you are versus focusing on defending you to their mum.
2. It causes arguments between you and your new man regarding what the ex wife is requesting or needing.
Reality Check: The ex was there before you and so were her children. The reality is, she will win and you will lose when it comes to how to parent her children. Therefore, avoid being over demanding, it will be perceived as a power struggle and take away from your relationship and he may start holding back on what is going on to avoid conflicts with you.
3. It sets up you up for wanting to be liked and enables you to say yes to situations and requests that the child may want knowing their mum will say no.
The Mansberg philosophy on parenting. Post continues...
Reality Check: The child will learn early on you are easily manipulated and that they can get what they want from you. It may feel like they like you more, but you are setting up for them to not respect you and actually not like you.
4. The ex wife may feel in some cases she has power in your relationship if you and your spouse argue over his previous marriage children and her role.
Reality Check: If she is the subject of your arguments over their children, she has a lot of control over your mind and relationship with your new man. Avoid making her important in the wrong way. Your new man will respect you more and be less inclined to defend or protect her when you start getting upset.
5. The child must choose who they go to parent/teacher day, prom dress shopping, mummy daughter days, marriages, etc.
Reality Check: These events are pressure enough, and having to deal with mum’s fighting over who attends and when can make it even worse. The child may get anxiety, want to avoid the situation altogether and resent you for the pressure.