"It doesn’t always feel rewarding." The complex reality of the stay at home mum.

How much are kids going for these days on the marketplace?

I’m not saying I don’t love my kids, but right now I’m not loving their company.

I’m so sick of them whinging at everything because they’re teething.

Of them climbing over me.

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Of not be able to eat some lunch properly.

Of their elbows digging into my stomach.

Of them touching me.

Of wiping asses.

Of not being able to have an uninterrupted adult conversation.

Of listening to high pitched screeches.

Of breaking up fights.

Of their big emotions in their little bodies.

Of defusing tantrums when really I want to join in.

And of trying to teach them how to not be tiny assholes.

It’s hard.

It’s lonely.

It doesn’t always feel rewarding.

Katie and her three kids. Image: Facebook/Living My Family Life.

Whether you’re a working mum, SAHM mum, co-parenting mum, or whatever you may be, we all have our own personal motherhood struggles, and I’m definitely feeling mine at the moment.

Staying at home is a privilege and complaining makes you selfish and ungrateful - or so people say. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to be able to stay home with my kids, so freaking grateful, but I’m also only human, and that human part of me has feelings.

Trying to meet their demands and needs each day normally leaves me putting myself last, and it can leave me wondering just how deep I’ve buried my self-worth. I may be a mum, but I’m also Katie, and Katie has so much more to offer than changing dirty nappies every day.

I can’t help but struggle with the emotional rollercoaster I seem to ride through each day. One second we’re all playing happily, the next I’m spitting stern words through gritted teeth because I’m repeating myself for the fifth time.

One second we’re reading books, the next someone’s shat themselves. One second they’re kissing my cheeks, the next they’re slapping me. I mean seriously, I’m just waiting for someone to jump out and yell “you’ve been punk’d!”

Other days can feel really long, and dare I say it - boring. My brain could do with more stimulation than the alphabet puzzle that seems to be such a hit right now, and I would really appreciate an uninterrupted conversation with an adult.

There are times where that long day is then followed by a long night, and I wonder how much longer until my brain loses all hope and shrivels up.

I have days where I feel like I’ve been so touched that I just want to peel my skin off and slither away. I then feel guilty for not enjoying it more, after all - “they’re only little once”. I’m sure a healthy balance exists, but I’m yet to figure it out.

I know I’ll look back and miss how small they were and how much they needed me, but right now I’m in the trenches of it and it gets overwhelming.

So, be kind to each other, because some of us are on the verge of a 2007 Britney Spears breakdown.

Katie Bowman is a mum to a 4-year-old girl and 21-month-old twin girls. A part-time hairdresser, she spends her time blogging about her days of chaos.

This content was originally published on the Facebook page Living My Family Life. It has been republished and expanded with full permission.

Feature image: Facebook/Living My Family Life.

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