To study here, you must wear Spanx and have perfect eyebrows.

You’re forgiven if you thought “sororities” were an urban myth. Australians have only really seen them in Legally Blonde, and they seem pretty vile.

If you didn’t know, sororities actually exist in real-life American universities. And they’re as awful, superficial and terrifying as they look in the movies.  Just wait till you read the ridonkytonk entry requirements from this one sorority.

Feminist website Jezebel has leaked a bat-shit crazy email from the University of Southern California’s Alpha Chi Omega sorority. We are concerned for the safety of the woman who wrote it; she is at adverse risk of self-combusting because she “simply CANNOT EXPRESS HOW IMPORTANT SPANX ARE.”

Cannot. Express. 

The obviously deranged women in charge of recruiting fresh idiots fresh meat new people for the sorority wrote this: “Even if you are very thin, Spanx will give you a better ‘line’ when you wear clothes (no awkward bumps!) Plus you don’t have to worry about sucking in all the time or being bloated!”

You do have considerable reason to worry about the crushing of your soul, but let’s continue.

To join this silky-smooth goddess cult, your hair has to be one “normal” colour (normal??) and shaped “curly or straight. No waves.” Read on:

No crazy ombre, no color you wouldn’t see in nature. (Also, if you’re thinking about going from blonde to black or vice versa, do so after recruitment. You won’t know for sure what it will look like, and if you hate it/your hairstylist does a bad job, that won’t fly.) You cannot have roots during recruitment, so if you dye your hair like me, please take care of that before arriving back to school. Your hair needs to be able to hold for 15 hr days and hairspray crunchy or limp hair is not acceptable. Also, get some heat protectant and shine spray. Damaged, frizzy hair is not going to attract PNMs [potential new members]. If you have bangs, they need to be styled correctly. If they’re long and you’re afraid they’re going to be in your face the whole time, get some bobbi pins that match your hair colour (except on house tours day/door chant, obvi). We don’t want to look “emo” or like we’re actually trying to flirt with PNMs by touching our hair all the time.

Yep, that rules out most of us already. But we go on: Make-up needs to be applied VERY CAREFULLY. Members of the sorority are allowed to stop you and fix your face if it’s not up to scratch. Like so:

You need to have foundation, concealer, something pinky/neutral for the lips (stain, gloss, etc), BLOT POWDER/OIL BLOTTERS, eyeliner (BLACK or BROWN only), mascara, neutral eyeshadows, bronzer, and (optional but recommended) blush. If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself. I don’t care if you’re late for class. I don’t care if you’re a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you. If you don’t know how to apply all this makeup, check out my Pinterest board. I picked out all the videos and products with you guys in mind!

Lucky they have their best interests at heart.

Do not even try to get this chick started on eyebrows though. She is basically running a one-woman tyranny on your face:

Eyebrows shape your face. Bad eyebrows will make you look less beautiful than you actually are! Your eyebrows need to look neat (as in not messy) for recruitment. I know “full” eyebrows are in style right now, but “full” does not mean “BUSHY” or “WILD.”… Alternatively, if you have SPARSE eyebrows then you need to fill them in.

Don’t forget: Sororities are where you live while you complete your tertiary education. Bright, smart, college-educated women are applying to attend places like this. How will they ever be able to study, when they’re obsessively lining their teeth with Vaseline?