Now that I’ve decided it’s not humanly possible to lose any more journalistic integrity by spending too much time analysing The Bachelorette, and you decided you’re interested in the happenings of Sophie Monk’s neck, let’s proceed, shall we, into a land of utterly unimportant news?

Great. Let’s cut to the chase.

Did Sophie Monk have a hickey on her neck last night?

As I scrolled social media as I watched the show, I saw the odd comment pop up: Um, Sophie, is that a birth mark, shadow or a hickey?

Silly people, I thought. A shadow, surely. I hadn’t seen a hickey since I was about 14 when a friend turned up to water polo practice charged with a tube of zinc and a giant and questionable bruise protruding from her neck.

Who has hickeys? How would it even have happened? It’s not…

Oh wait..

Huh?

Can I just...

Because, surprisingly, I do not have a PhD in hickey-radars, I consulted Dr Google.

Yes, I literally googled, 'How to tell if something is a hickey', and found myself accidentally in the deep corners of the internet where suspicious boyfriends and girlfriends dissected - with strangers, may I add - if their respective spouses actually came home with a hickey on their neck.

Alas, I digress. The most common answer was this one: "A bruise will be dark...maybe purple. A hickey is red and looks as if the blood is trying to exit through the skin."

Brilliant.

On the back off that highly scientific, very much facts-based Google search, I'm going to myth bust this by giving it a big, fat no.

No hickey friends. Dr Google tells me it's too dark. Sorry.

Of all the options - a shadow, neck indentation, birth mark, something from the Illuminati, a result of vacuuming breadcrumbs, a bad contour or an allergic reaction to Blake - I'm going with... a shadow.

Until next time.